The New G!

Stitches

2012-02-01T23:18:00.000-08:00

"So it has been eight years, huh?" Darwin asked while we were lying on his bed that night.

"Yes." I answered him while my arms were placed at the back of my head and staring at the ceiling.

Darwin was my first and last fubu. He was the first person to let me realize that sex does not equate love.

"A lot has changed from you." He told me.

"I know. I'm not the same chubby guy you used to know, well, not much though." I replied.

"No, no, that's not what I meant." He looked at me, into my eyes.

"I remember how you used to be a hopeless romantic."

"I was that type of guy."

"Yes you were, G."

"I'm not that type of person now." I looked at him and returned back at looking at the ceiling.

"I can still remember how you were the type of sweet guy, someone who would fall easily because of your sweetness. You used to be that guy who would say f*ck off! I'm committed!"

"Well Darwin, people change. I have changed since I met you, after I met guys, and slept with them." I made a deep sigh.

"I understand, G."

"But I just can't help to remember how you were that guy."

"Sometimes Darwin, I can't help but think who I was too. If I hadn't met you back then or if I didn't go out to the scene. I often wonder what I would be now." I shook my head.

"But we cannot go back now, may be people define us of who we were but people change, everyone knows that." I told him while slowly trying to sit on top of him.

He placed his arms at the back of his head and smiled at me. "But I think G, you were still that chubby boy I used to know, not completely changed in some but still different."

I pecked his cheek, thanked him, and told him I needed to go home

Dinner, S'il Vous Plait?

2012-01-25T19:55:00.000-08:00

I assure you we'll have fun with or without you.

Oh, but if you must insist e-mail me at neophyte_1186@yahoo.com for the details.

And lest I forget, bloggers only.

To You

2012-01-21T17:18:00.000-08:00

You, yes, you I thought we had talked about this.

Is it too much to ask that favor from you?

We had talked civilly about it, you agreed.

We both had made that agreement.

Can't you just fucking get me out of your blog list?

Is that too fucking hard to ask?

Yes, you. You know who you are.

Extensions To Existence

2012-01-17T01:56:00.000-08:00

"You here, G?"

A good friend of mine suddenly messaged me through FB.

"Yes I am."

I replied.

"What's your number?"

I gave him my number.

After a few moments of going back and forth to various websites, I saw an unknown number calling my phone.

"Hello?"

"G, I lost my phone." His voice deep and a little disturbed.

"Oh..." A moment of silence fell.

"Where'd you lose it?" I added.

"I don't know."

"I see."

"It's irritating G."

"I could understand how you feel. That is normal."

"Well, that's how it really is, no?"

"Yes, yes it is." I quite agree.

"It actually amazes me when you just said it's irritating." I quickly added.

"Why?" He asked.

"Well, I for one, when I lost my phone last October, I literally got disoriented near the MRT station. I was like Sisa amidst the people walking along the busy sidewalk."

"I guess that's just how it is G."

"Yes. I know exactly what you mean. So, have you called Globe about your lost phone?"

"Ah yes, I haven't. Call you in a bit."

"Okay, thanks."

Phones may be tangible objects. But sometimes people regard them as more than that.

That phone you lost after a break-up and kept you somehow intact.

That phone you lost where you attended your best friend's wedding where you took photos and marvelled at the whole occasion.

That phone you lost while opening gifts with your family during Christmas and how you took a mediocre video of your family getting all rowdy and rough, and joyful.

These were all stored there, along with thousands of others.

So you see, tangible as it may be, phones are more than what some people think.

It's part of us and when we lose them in various ways, we see ourselves losing a part of those events.

As if we never had them at all...

Beyond The Ball

2012-01-14T06:32:00.000-08:00

"I managed to get you in the ball. See you?"

The queen summoned me to the ball.

But G then realized he was already set for O bar that same night.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Oh well, let them have Izumi to conquer.

I, on the other hand, shall have Ortigas for the taking.

No Mas

2012-01-10T06:06:00.000-08:00

Closure. The next best thing you could ask.

Differentiating Memories...

2012-01-08T17:18:00.001-08:00

What do you remember most?

Yes, you, what type of memories linger around in your mind? Floating. Wafting. Sticking.

Sometimes, memories are like that. It brings us of unique sets of emotions overlying each other.

But we cannot help it. It is after all part of the process of maturity and development.

An acquaintance recently sent a message that goes something like this: "Let's get rid of the memories that makes us feel sad and relieve only those that makes us happy."

And even though I abhor quotations, I cannot help but rationalize on what she just forwarded.

Can we really do that? Separate those that just makes us happy, ecstatic, and disregard those that makes us sad?

Soon I realized we can try our best to but for the most part, almost nil.

I then asked her "what if the memories you have are both sad then happy?"

She replied, "then retain the happy and let go of the sad part."

It confused me.

I replied again "well what if you can't?"

She eagerly replied "then maybe you have not gotten over that person yet. Why would it even make you sad?"

But I am over that person, longer than I have known her. The mystifying part of memories is that it offers you exactly both - the wonderful times you spent together and the lonely moments of misunderstanding and release.

You cannot remove one from the other, block them from flowing into your realm because these occurred at least one after the other...

She cannot understand that, thus I finally asked her "how many boyfriends have you had already?"

"Without the flings? Two."

And then I finally understood what she wants to say. Or a part of it at least.

Flow

2012-01-02T16:26:00.001-08:00

Nightmare or memory? - soothsayer, Kung Fu Panda 2

A Foreign Tale

2012-01-01T19:36:00.000-08:00

"Life in China was difficult ever since, especially in Shanghai."

No, no, you are wrong. Shanghai housed the most affluent Chinese people, yes, but they also housed the poorest of people.

I am one of them.

Maybe you think I exaggerate this to ask pity and sympathy, but I do not.

I tell it is as it is.

I hear it as it is.

I see it as it is.

Now I tell you my story, my family's story. The way I have learned from it all.

I was born in a brood of three. My mother, a housewife. And my father, a che fu - rickshaw puller.

You say,what is wrong with that, being a rickshaw puller?

Well I tell you now, everything. During those times of economic boom in Shanghai, rickshaw pullers were regarded as lowest of class. No, not even the untouchables of India. Not even better than zibuyong or even pua iyam. Not even higher than a fruitless divorced wife!

I tell you, they were the lowest of class.

But Ba ba never complained about that. He never did. He just kept quiet whenever Ma ma would complain about our life. He just looks at her and then goes out of the house. A heavy heart after a light breakfast. That was how it is.

Ba ba never complained because he felt it was fate that we were like that. His grandfather was che fu. His father also che fu. And so the only thing he inherited was an old rickshaw from Ye ye. But by the time he inherited the rickshaw after grandfather's death, it was too old to use and too used to be sold.

But Ma ma was so persistent in nagging Ba ba to sell it. Oh, I can still remember Ma ma gritting her teeth and shrilling in anger when she says it can be sold for a few yuan if he only tried!

But Ba ba did try his best to sell it. He tried to sell it in every corner of Shanghai's poor districts.

Baah! Why buy something that can not be used anymore! Said a man where father went to first.

It is very old, afraid not much use even for heating through cold nights. Said another man.

Ai ya! No, I see how old and rotten it is already! One sits there and the thing will smash to bits! Another man told us.

So at an early age I have learned how our life was very different from the other Shanghainese.

When I think about it, Shangainese people seemed very regal, full of splendor and eccentricity. But as for me and my family, very opposite. No signs of regality and eccentricity.

After looking for a short while for people to buy the rickshaw, my Ba ba finally gave up and said it was useless. The rickshaw is very old, very ancient even.

So one day while I was playing and taking care of my younger siblings Mei and You, father came home with lots of wood. I stopped playing and looked at Ba ba, and I was wondering what he will do with all those wood?

When he went in, I can already hear Ma ma and her high-pitched voice resonating from our wooden house. She was already arguing while Pa pa was calmly telling her what he will do with the old rickshaw. Pa pa told Ma ma he will reinforce the rickshaw, making it stronger, better, sturdier than before.

Of course Ma ma was in a fit! She knew Ba ba borrowed money to buy the wood and we barely had enough to eat and now in debt! Ma ma's voice at that time was so loud, I thought the Buddha in a shrine from the distant north would suddenly wake up, fly, and slap her.

In the end, when Ba ba had finished telling his side of the story and the inside storm had passed, Ma ma just made a deep sigh and started preparing lunch.

Part 1

Of Unfolding A Chapter

2011-12-25T03:00:00.000-08:00

Thankful would be the most suitable word to describe this year.Perhaps that is an understatement, perhaps that is just so.

From meeting new people, traversing new places, and finding myloved one, ah yes, this year has been plentiful of memories.

Learning a lot and hopefully putting all of these to gooduse.

At one point I have learned to have finally let go of feelingsthat had been quite bothersome. Regrets are man's worst emotional enemy, thatis how it is. But I have learned to minimize these. I figured I cannot live onregretting more and accepting less. Life is beautiful, like a well-writtennovel striking you when you least expect it, astounding you.

I may not say much but I am very thankful of the people around me.I have learned that mutuality is of human nature, yet, I have also learned thatyou do not expect people to treat you the same way as you treat them, less ormore, of various unspoken reasons, that you do not expect someone to make you feel the same way you feel for them, that you had shared a special moment, a bonding, a formerconnection but that is the magic of interaction, variable.

These people have helped me adjust to the fast-paced environment around.

Do I have trouble adjusting? Frankly, I have.

Do I see it as a problem? Frankly, I do.

Do I want to always count on them for guidance? No, not anymore.

Perhaps it is time to be man enough to admit how I am really trying my best not to be swayed by indifferences, discrimination, and culture shock.

It is a breath of fresh air thinking that a lot of changes has been made, it amazes me even. For the past year made me realize how I was just missing out so much on some wondrous offerings.

Comfort zones, for the longest time, have kept me at both worlds - sane and a little insane. I promised myself to be bolder and leaping better than last time. Baby steps notwithstanding.

Whew!

Finally, this blog chronicles who I am and what I am as a person. Bad or good, I am truly, truly happy I get to interact with you guys. There is no denying that inasmuch as I want to close this one and start life anew, I just cannot bear to.

To the people who read my thoughts and moments of sense and sensibilities then I say my most heartfelt thanks.

Perhaps one day, we can go out and have some conversation about anything. Yes, even dramas! But let's plan that first.

2012 is just a few sleeps away...it's time to go out with a bang!

Of Christmas Carols

2011-12-22T07:41:00.000-08:00

The sun was setting and I had just come home from a day of work. It was a gym day so inasmuch as I want to take a good rest and continue reading Shanghai Girls, I just couldn't.

I hurried inside the house and plopped my bag on the sofa, took off my shirt, went in the bathroom to take off my pants and slipped a pair of boxers, and turned on the TV. Fairly Oddparents was broadcasting that time. A few minutes later I took out my dinner before hitting the gym - three pieces of chicken hotdog and a cup of rice. I placed the hotdogs inside the toaster and set it for 10 minutes and resumed watching the cartoons.

"Whenever I see girls and boys selling lanterns on the street..."

I sighed. I heard it all right and I don't even want to bother myself going out and handing them some coins.

"I remember the child, in the manger as he sleeps..."

But they are persistent kids. Kids who will irritate you until you give them coins.

As they continued their business outside, I realized how time flew by real fast when I was a kid.

I remembered I used to carol too, me, my older sister, and my neighboring friends. It was an annual tradition for us. One of my friends would happily drop by each and every one of our houses and we would form an indispensable group of carolers. The toughest (or maybe the sole) of the bunch. We would go around our part of our subdivision and stand in front of every prospective house and sing our hearts out. I don't even mind being the second voice because honestly I don't have the voice to begin with.

Then I snapped back to reality. And I compared how we used to carol and how kids carol these days.

We used to carol for fun, for comfort, for kicks, and yes, for money too but money was our last option. We didn't care if we made small or big that day. What we were thinking was that we were together, we were singing, laughing, and fooling with each other and being paid for that!

Kids nowadays, first of all, don't sing, they scream. I kid you not. They literally just scream with their pseudo-musical instruments, they scream a few tunes, and voila! They expect you to dole out for their underwhelming performance. And don't even get me started on them buzzing your house even when they literally see the lights off inside.

The joy that bonding friends used to bring when we were small was incomparable. That was what I treasured and what I liked the most about the holidays; because of our busy school schedules, we barely see each other but come Christmas vacation and every night during the holidays, we huddle up and catch up. But kids these days don't even seem to know the reason why they carol. If they think they need to scream, disturb, and pester people because they need to have some money by Christmas, then there really would a problem when they grow up.

As the kids outside and their disturbing performance made a halt and were asking for what their voices were worth, I got my gym bag, got some money from the stack of coins we pile up during caroling time, and gave them five pesos.

The Boldest Move

2011-12-18T03:37:00.001-08:00

"I want to kiss boys tonight."

And so it is true, alcohol makes you more courageous.

I whispered bluntly to my boyfriend while sitting inside the videoke room, tipsy.

"Go ahead."

He guffawed slightly.

I held his hand and squeezed it tightly. My love for him does not wane.

He will still be a royalty in my heart.

But last night, last night my carnal instinct went domineering.

There were just some guys too hard to resist. I was ready for the consequences if such might occur after.

Guys I already saw numerous times, guys I just wanted to taste lips and lock mine with.

"So G, reverting back to the old sl** you were?"

My mind snorted while I went outside for boys to tame.

"Why yes I will."

Two guys and just one me.

How can lil' ol' G manage?

And another boy you've met quite a few times.

But remember G, your friend had him first. He was even one of his concubines.

Well it seems your friend looked too busy to be bothered.

Perfect.

But first you grabbed two boys and placed them in the room, sandwiched yourself between them and started kissing the boy on the right, tasting the mix of soju and saliva. And then you made a go for the left guy's lips, smothering yourself with his breath and saliva.

Disgustingly delicious.

I got up from the couch where we made out, I fixed myself, and mingled some more.

And hungry for more.

Eyeing CE from afar made me realize how I wanted to taste him badly.

True, he is cute but his sex appeal exudes overwhelmingly

I expect nothing short from your expectations.

But it seems fate is not on my side. Moments missed because of my second thoughts and doubts.

Ah, conscience is such a formidable enemy at that time.

I turned away and told myself "May be next time. And when I am ready, I would not hold back anymore."

It was already 4 in the morning, and there I was standing outside the establishment looking at him and his friends. O bar would be their next destination.

He looked at me for the last time, I came near him.

"I want to kiss you but I guess I'm kinda shy with your boyfriend around."

My doubt vanished.

I motioned my finger for him to come me.

I felt his breath hot and moist, and wanting.

And we kissed in front of the establishment, in front of the crowd, and in front of my boyfriend who was a few feet away.

I unlocked my lips from his mouth and let go of my hand from his hand.

Immediately, I turned away and joined the group nearby while he slid inside the cab with K and his gang.

I grabbed my boyfriend's hand then placed my hand across his shoulder.

I returned back to reality.

Pulling Away

2011-12-10T03:19:00.001-08:00

Detachment from someone spells only two things,

Denial or Acceptance.

Postpone Gratification

2011-12-07T06:35:00.001-08:00

And so, my four-day supposed vacation in Singapore got postponed til, well, I don't know when.

Sigh.

On the other hand, it means I can join the party at 17! Woohoo!

Playlist: Runway Rampage

2011-12-03T04:10:00.001-08:00

This is probably my biggest addiction courtesy of The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show which I have been avidly watching since 2006.

Yeah, I'm a complete sucker for these ladies and that's not a bad thing at all!

I mean, come on. The lights, the glitter, the wings, the works!

Every day I try to listen to the runway music when I feel sexy. Okay, so everyday I feel sexy, fine.

Well, I can always assume.

10. Boom Boom Pow by The Black Eyed Peas. The song just feels so good that whenever I hear this song, I feel like Adriana Lima who can make it werq!

9. What's Your Name by Usher. What's your name? Baby, what's your number? Man, I love this song. The first time I heard this one, I played it over and over and over until my ears got tired from it. A good runway song, nonetheless.

8. Bossy by Kelis. I went gaga over this remixed VS version. It has that beat that makes you wanna go thump, thump, thump on a catwalk. I actually realized that aside from this song, only her song Milkshake comes to mind.

7. Teenage Dream by Katy Perry. Hands down, one of my most played songs. Ever.

6. Touch Me by Tiesto. Hell! This was one of the songs I truly, truly had a hard time searching. Firstly, DJ Tiesto usually has manic songs, like manic, non-lyrical songs so I wouldn't have guessed that he actually has a song that's so effin' cool! Okay, I'm exaggerating. But it's true, this song really is something.

5. Beware Of The Dog by Jamelia versus Depeche Mode. Have you heard this song? It's a VS remix of two songs. Now I don't know about Jamelia's song but I have heard Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode where the song was mixed with. Great tune and also has an implication.

4. Sexy Back by Justin Timberlake. Yup. Justin Timberlake. Well it wouldn't be a fashion show without this song, right? I honestly got addicted to watching the VS because of this song. I don't know, there's just something so undeniably hot in this song you feel as if you're Alessandra or Miranda.

3. I Got It From My Mama by Will.I.Am. This song, this song is the bomb! 'Nuff said.

2. When You Were Young by The Killers. They say the Devil's water it ain't so sweet, you don't have to drink right now, but you can dip your feet, every once in a little while. An absolutely one of my top songs. The rhythm is great. I betcha.

1. Angel by Akon. They aren't called 'angels' for nothing. What better way to cap off this list than to put this song as the chart-topper of my favorite runway song ever? Well I tell you this song is really not just a feel good song but it makes you want to model back and forth your house with this song.

Believe me, I still do!

At Length

2011-11-27T17:32:00.001-08:00

At a certain time, people who used to understand your situation, cannot anymore.

Post

2011-11-23T18:46:00.001-08:00

The deepest of all thoughts can be - pointless.

Distinct

2011-11-18T03:04:00.001-08:00

Selfishness is different from exercising independence.

The Stranger From Facebook

2011-11-14T05:44:00.001-08:00

"Are you ready?" He asked.

"I am."

Anyway that was a lazy day after all, I might as well hear what he has to say, er, read what he has to type.

"It's gonna be a long one." He further added.

"That's fine, I can take it." I replied.

"My boyfriend and I were together for three and a half years. We do almost everything together. I love him and he knows how much I love him too. We couldn't stray away from each other. We have to be with each other most, if not, all of the time. He even transferred schools just for me. He transferred during sophomore year, from CSB to UST because as I said we couldn't be apart. "

"And?" I butted in.

"And it was wonderful. I mean, here was a guy I was truly in love with, a guy who even transferred schools just to be with me, and we do everything together, even studying."

"Then what happened?"

"Then med school came, and, and it just crumbled, what we had just crumbled down..."

"How come med school came into the scene of your relationship?" I guiltlessly asked.

"Well that, plus the fact that I met someone interesting at med school." He quickly added.

"Oh..."

"He is a Filipino-American and he is currently studying medicine here. We were classmates. At first, of course, I paid no attention to him, after all I am committed and when I do a commitment, I stick to it."

"So what made you, uh, attracted to this Fil-Am?"

"Well...I guess it was a process. I was not initially smitten but along the way, there was something in him. I don't know. Then we became friends and before you know it I was making excuses to my boyfriend because we became study buddies."

"Didn't your boyfriend even wonder why he wasn't your study buddy anymore?"

"Of course he did! And my boyfriend is the typical boyfriend who gets really jealous and starts getting suspicious. But I kept it from him that I had a new friend. Well, as for the Fil-Am, initially, being his study buddy was something different. Me being friends and study buddies with him feels different."

"I see."

"And then before I know it, I started hanging-out with him."

"And then it gets juicier."

"What do you mean? Anyway, yeah, we started hanging-out more often and then..."

He stopped mid-way.

"And then I slept with him"

"I see. How interesting."

"But don't get me wrong." He immediately added. "I slept with him but we didn't have sex. It was literally hugs and kisses. And that continued for some time."

"And how did it feel?" Okay, so I was excited to know.

"Electrifying. Yeah, that's the word for it, electrifying."

"And your boyfriend?"

"At first he was just speculating but he already knew the guy. After all, I do tell him of friends and school. Then one day, he went into my phone and he looked up the guy's phone number and e-mail address. And before I know it he was threatening him and sending him profane messages, trying to blackmail him. Well you know gut feelings, someway or another, your hunches become facts."

"And then?"

"And then everything just started to fall apart - relationship, the Fil-Am, med school - everything seems to get out of hand. And before I knew it, I was out of med school, out of my boyfriend's shadow, out of the Fil-Am's life, and out of the country."

"Wow."

"What's so wow about that?"

"Nothing. It's just that I never had a boyfriend as madly in love as yours."

"Well you have a point but the thing is, what drove me away was how he got so controlling that even if I want to just study alone in a coffee shop, he said we have to study together. As in everytime. It was sweet at first but sooner or later, you will get tired from it."

Honestly, I don't know what to say to him after. It's not that he was just ranting, but it's because I cannot relate. True, I had boyfriends that were bordering paranoid but none compared to his.

"I told you it's long."

"Yeah, it is long."

And our conversation ended just like that.

Part 2

Threading Books

2011-11-12T21:00:00.001-08:00

Completely difficult. That is all I have to say.

I could not find the words to say, the words to describe, and the words to express.

Last night I already planned how I will start this, well, at least a few lines just to warm me up.

I said to myself before I slumped onto my pillow that I will start with books.

In more ways that I could think of, perhaps I had always sought novels as sanctuary - a glimpse into what I was feeling at that particular moment - a simple escape route for when I need it much.

Somehow I find it intriguing how I would seek books then suddenly find myself caught up by the moment of reading - at home, in malls, in the MRT. I would get myself too engrossed I could not care less about the people around me.

There are times that I want to feel magical and whimsical, like Neil Gaiman's works, where anything goes. That I want to feel what it would be like having powers I could never dreamt of having. The part of me that wants to look at the world like miracles and supernatural activities are feasible yet no explanation could be ascertained from such. A part that just blows out my imagination, and for a time, I would listen to what my heart is saying and just go with it: succeed or fail will not even matter.

Then, there are moments I want to feel adventurous and brave, courageous to say the least, like Dan Brown's Robert Langdon. That while reading the book I feel that I could gallivant around Tondo, Recto, Divisoria, and dark alleys searching for something. It could either be something concrete or an abstract. Even I could not guess. Where my feet takes me that is where I go. And I shall head to where it is with much gusto.

Of quite a few times I have also sought melodrama. Arlene Chai's The Last Time I Saw Mother and Eating Fire And Drinking Water made me well up in tears. Yes, I nearly sobbed inside the MRT! So it is true, sometimes we just want to feel what the characters are feeling - of sorrow, of despair, of bliss, of simple joys, of tears of happiness...that somehow our current emotion will be swept away and completely taken over with the character's.

And perhaps the most fascinating are the Japanese authors Kazuo Ishiguro and Haruki Murakami. They have such different styles of writing from the Western authors that I myself am surprised how contrasting their books are from say, Elizabeth Kostova or, hmmm...Nicholas Sparks. Primarily, I did not like Murakami may be because his book South Of The Border, West Of The Sun did not move me much. Heck, I did not even notice where the climax was. So I was disappointed the first book I read from him. Then I recently purchased and read Kazuo Ishiguro's Never Let Me Go. The book tells much about emotions and feelings. Like how certain people grow from each other, learn how each burst of emotion can be evaluated and in turn make it into something positive and constructive. Their works have all this certain subtlety. Yes, I think that's the perfect description, subtlety plus profundity. They would never lay out all the cards for you hence, the ending gets nipped short.

Well may be I am writing too much now, after all, if you have noticed some of what I write actually has a continuation. But now I want to finish this. I don't know but somehow this post feels very different to write. And this is in a good way.

I want to finish this because I felt compelled to end this even if my creative juices go out of stock for a time.

So what do I really want to express on this one?

Nothing really too important. I guess, the very special attribute that I have learned to deal with during these times of reading books and novels of all sorts is I learn from them. That simple moments of reading can do wonders. I still don't know how it does that but I sure know it changed me in a distorted, convoluted, tortuous, mixed kind of way.

And this is coming from someone who just turned a quarter of a life.

The Stranger From Facebook

2011-11-09T05:31:00.000-08:00

People are right. It is more comforting to tell your story to a person you don't know well. It saves you the judgement, the face, and the embarrassment.

I have not experienced narrating my life in exquisite detail to someone I barely know yet, I feel, and chances are, I might soon.

I was logged in Facebook (FB) the other night. It was s typical day for me: wake up, go to work, go home, postpone jogging, log on to the net. As I was meticulously browsing from one URL to another, I suddenly chanced upon my page as having a pending notification. I immediately clicked on the page and saw someone requesting for acceptance. Since I almost always add people who send their request, I accepted him.

A few minutes passed and I heard a pop, the FB pop when someone sends a message over chat.

"Thanks for accepting". The boy said.

"Welcome. :)". I replied.

I was still browsing other pages so I leave every now and then from FB. The boy has not made a reply so on I went to checking tech sites.

A few minutes passed and I heard the pop again. I clicked on the FB window.

"How are you?"

The message window appeared on the lower right corner of the page again.

"I am fine."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"What is your preference?"

"I am gay. And you?"

"Cool. I am gay too." He said

"That's nice to know."

I quickly saw his location to be in Japan.

"So how come you're in another country now?" I added.

"Hiding. I'm hiding from my ex-boyfriend." He told me.

"Because?" I blatantly asked.

"I got tired of him. I felt suffocated. He made me feel like I was in prison."

Whoa! I was quite surprised. Here was a person I barely know, whom I have barely known for more than a couple of hours yet he bares his part of life as if I was someone who knows him for a long period of time.

"He was not really like that..." And so he continued.

Part 1

Process

2011-11-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

We feel insufficient when in a relationship, yet feel we gave too much once out of it.

Boys Night Out

2011-10-29T17:24:00.000-07:00

Spotted: G having a ball at the party.

But the question is, where's G?

Part 2

Insight

2011-10-29T07:30:00.003-07:00

You never blame people for a motive gone wrong.

The Hues Of Pink

2011-10-25T07:12:00.000-07:00

The night was humid and warm, I took my cap off and ruffled my hair. My forehead was starting to form beads of perspiration and I was nearly home.

Glancing from afar I saw shirtless men with their bottles of Red Horse and singing merrily in front of the store.

"Oceeeaaan Deeeeep! I'm so afraid to show my feelings!"

They were singing a sentimental song but made it much jollier, much out of note.

They were having the time of their life, with nothing to think but tonight. Drink and be merry so they say.

Farther down the street I was walking, I saw him, the parlorista with his waddling walk, over-the-top make-up, and flamboyant manicure set, he was out to service someone.

The parlorista who I see every night that has an 8-5 job at a parlor near our subdivision's entrance.

The parlorista who I see every night walking along dark alleys of our subdivision just so he could render service to someone and make an extra income. It doesn't matter how much, what matters is there is something.

The parlorista who I see, not every night, but sometimes, buying food for his nieces and nephews because his siblings left all the responsibility to him while they either gossip about someone or drink till the wee hours of the morning.

The parlorista who I see buying medicines for his ailing mother that despite how much he tries to make ends meet, he just can't seem to do so, yet he tries his very best.

As he gaudily sashayed near the store to pass, all types of insults flew from the drinking men's mouths, them with their beer bellies, haughty laughter, and derogatory mockeries.

He went on as if nothing happened.

But I heard them crystal clear.

As the parlorista passed through me, I saw his eyes - of remorse and sadness.

He knows I am too, an ally, a brother, or a sister, perhaps.

I wish I could have said something, defended him for such lies they threw at him.

But I couldn't. And bowed my head as if shamed.

Arriving at home, I immediately took all of my clothes and took a bath and drowned my thoughts.

I got out of the bathroom with a miniscule sense of relief.

But the night was still warm and suddenly it just felt so much warmer.

Boys Night Out

2011-10-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

Hey Upper Eastsiders!

So are you ready to send off our favorite girl to a life of screaming kids and mortgages? Before H joins the land of happily ever after, let us show her what life was like during the good old times. Because it will surely be missed.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's the Black and White Party. Come in your most "I'm Single Fuck Me I'm Famous Look" as we celebrate the end of an era. And the dawn of a new one.

XOXO

Black or white? I was pondering what I would wear that Saturday night. It was a bachelorette's party that I will attending in a few hours and I have not decided yet what color to choose from.

Black? Evil, dark, dangerous, yet thrilling.

White? Simple, clean, pure, however, boring.

There I was inside the train going home, wondering what to wear.

I figured I would go with white. Yes, white. A safe choice.

As the clock struck 10, I found myself needing to go black: evil, dark, dangerous, and thrilling, and slimming too.

So black then. I told myself.

With my brushed up hair, leather jacket, and skinny jeans, I head out to The Fort - The Distillery to be exact.

Excited yet intimidated, I inched my way upstairs. I thought they'd be there as midnight was the time of the party... lo and behold, I see no familiar face.

Going down while I inched again from a not-so-familiar crowd, I went out to wait for them. A few moments later the crowd went rolling still. I still saw no recognizable face.

In a matter of 10 to 15 minutes, I finally saw faces that I do recognize.

One by one their group was finally forming. I felt relieved. However, we were still waiting for the two - the party boy and the it girl.

Alas, in a few minutes I finally saw the two alight the cab and now, I can truly say that the party was on.

With his golden locks and bold outfit, Goldilocks would have thrown a fit and be green with envy, and with his sister's perfect figure and hot dress, the two were certainly ready to have fun.

But enough of intros. I'd rather tell you how we had a blast!

True, earlier during the course I heard a straight guy tell his friend how numerous the gay guys were at that time but what the heck, it doesn't really matter. We went there to have some effin' fun and have a blast...

Part 1

When Truth Be Told

2011-10-18T06:57:00.000-07:00

I had just lost my phone nearly a week ago and I chanced upon JP being online on Monday morning so I decided to give him my new number, and maybe catch up with him.

JP is one of my closest, quirkiest, wittiest friends I have. I met him through a party last 2009 and we have been in touch ever since.

I recently heard he was dating another guy after his break-up from JB.

"JP, I didn't know who H was!" I typed in a typical excited tone.

"Have I met him?"

"I seriously don't know you were already dating someone!"

My messages were in quick succession.

"G, H was the one who was in front of the car when we went home in Paranaque!"

Oh damn! Seriously? I was that drunk to not have recognized the guy? Next time G, know your limits.

Anyway, we were still chatting and like all volley of conversations, he chanced upon me and my idea of an open relationship.

"Is it you or him that wanted one?"

"I actually proposed that but he made it clear how he just wants us to be us."

"G, are you his first?" JP asked.

"Yes and he's my nth time." I replied.

"I see. Maybe that is why he doesn't want it to be open."

"You know G, I could never see myself as that person."

"Yeah, I could sense that. Even with you and JB still together." I told him.

"I could never see myself as being in an open one because I just can't seem to think how I would be able to adjust to that set-up. If I have someone, I give him my all. Not a part, the whole of what I can offer."

"Plus...plus there is such complexity of it all and add to that the clarity of expectations."

There, there it is. A phrase I wasn't expecting.

Clarity of expectations.

And you know what, he is absolutely correct. Open relationships must be clearly, rigidly, strictly defined.

This is one set-up where everything from impossible can be possible. A strings-no strings attachment of dilemma.

And ultimately crack open a once healthy relationship just because.

So just because you get bored with your relationship it does not mean it is meant to be open. Relationships aren't always on a drug-induced, all-time high - it also has its lows.

It's all a matter of how the two can work it out to let the spark keep sparking.

You may get it from other men but that would just be rude. Or just indecent.

"Well anyway JP, I have got to go. Keep me posted and I will see you soon."

And finally I signed out of yahoomail and closed the window.

Personal Philosophy

2011-10-16T07:22:00.000-07:00

"You seem to move on real easily, G." JG said in his text message.

"I am that person, someone where moving on is inevitable, a loss is a loss, yes, but that doesn't mean I have to dwell on them." I replied.

"But I seem to sense you move on faster, you let go things too easily."

"Well because I know I need to. Moving on doesn't have to wait long, so should I be."

"It doesn't bother you then?"

"You know I have asked myself that question too many times. It used to bother me, it bothered me a lot. Where the last time I was totally rejected, I cried for a year, I sobbed for nearly a year, and now I am okay."

"Life is like that you know, maturity comes at the worst of times because it has to be that way, you need to learn from it, or else..."

"Or else what?" He inquired.

"Or else you'll be stuck in regression - a time when happy thoughts of you and that someone special used to share will be engraved, and you reminisce that time, and you tell yourself it's over but at the same time you also tell yourself that there may be hope. A conflict arises for the nth time."

"Well JG, I have got to sleep. We will talk soon."

And with that I flipped my phone over and tucked myself to sleep.

They say moving on is hard, and you know what, they are right. No one moves easily from a break-up, let alone a bad one. But one has to. That is how life works.

I used to be this idealistic guy who tells himself every now and then that I am their loss, that they must have been really stupid to let go of me and go off with another man.

But I was just being delusional.

So in increments, in small steps, I am rediscovering who I really am when handling these situations. I have learned to let go faster than I had to because holding on to such memories can just be a wretch. I have learned that at some point in our lives, there was beauty in that feeling of such bliss. I have learned that we need not be okay at first but will need to be, soon.

It always has to be that way.

Of Pegasus and Unicorns

2011-10-13T02:47:00.000-07:00

Exes are like mythical creatures.

At some point in our lives we made to believe they were true.

No Thank You, Soju!

2011-10-12T06:41:00.000-07:00

I was already feeling very tipsy, wobbling from side to side not even Ms. Supsup can trounce.

Yeah, I had about 10 shots of soju.

That poison of a drink which made me laugh my head off when I see people who had too much of this.

For two years since it was introduced to the group, every party warranted a soju - a bottomless stock of this clear, pure toxin.

And for two years I have made fun of those guys who came, drank, puked, and got wasted after.

I remembered my first time I got wasted from another occasion with the popular Mindoro sling. It was one of the worst feelings one could ever have: the spinning vision, the nauseating state, the shaking knees, the throw-ups. Yeah, disgusting and I never wanted to feel that way again, ever.

But how could I resist such beautifully-carved topless men? Where each serving means another smile from them?

I surely can't. Especially you, you bald guy. Even though you're straight.

Imagine 10 shots. Every invite, I drink.

The most I had was five shots and that was my limit.

By the 6th I was talking very rapidly, the 7th I was walking with a little wobble, by the 8th I was talking mostly without sense and more wobbly, the 9th made me shut up and stay still, by the 10th I found myself going to a corner and throwing up, which, by the way, was not how I wanted people there to see me.

JB, the send-off party celebrant, already passed out on the corner of a couch and JP told me he will drop DI to his home in Paranaque.

Bingo!

The party was really, really fun and this is coming from a guy who never liked KTVs and sing-along celebrations but this one was very different and festive. But I had to leave.

And so there I was inside the car, holding a plastic bag near my mouth - just in case.

Ugh. Destroyed.

The Set-up

2011-10-03T06:27:00.000-07:00

"Text me when you're near." The boy from Grindr texted me.

"I will, just give me a few more minutes. I just need to bookbind something." I quickly replied.

"So, McDonald's Dapitan then?"

"Yeah, it's nearer my dorm than Chowking or Jollibee."

"Okay, will keep you posted once I am finished here."

So there I was, waiting for my paperworks to be bookbinded and then meeting some random stranger just like my G4M days.

Honestly I felt nervous for multiple of reasons.

What if he finds me fat?

What if he thinks I'm effeminate?

What if I am just too short for him?

A myriad of insecurities suddenly rose concealed from the deepest crevice of my mind.

I suddenly snapped from my worries and told myself: "We'll just meet. No biggie."

After I have thanked the man in the shop I went on my way towards McDonald's - the meeting place.

"Hey, I will be there in about 5 minutes." I texted him while brisk walking past students.

Finally I arrived outside the venue, more than my sweat around my forehead, my anxious state.

I decided to go inside since there's free wi-fi plus I wasn't able to eat lunch.

"Caramel sundae please."

I got my order in just a few seconds and sat a few feet away from the entrance. I wanted him to see me instantly.

"Are you eating sundae?" He suddenly texted out of nowhere.

"Yeah, sorry, I wasn't able to eat lunch so I am really, really hungry."

"Don't you wanna come in first?" I added.

"No, I'll just wait for you here outside."

"Okay."

The caramel sundae was finished in an instant and before I grabbed my backpack, I let out a big sigh.

"Hi, Rusel right?" I shook his hand.

"Finally nice meeting you G."

"Likewise."

And from my worries during my G4M days, my mind shifted from how different his picture looked like. Really different. Poser.

It was a brief talk and I even forgot what we talked about.

Then he stopped. We were in Piy Margal.

"Heyyy...my dorm is just around the corner. You wanna hang-out?"

His voice was inviting, tempting.

And I was being invited and tempted.

Before I was able to make a reply I felt my phone vibrate - a text message.

"Hey lovey, I am home already. Text me when you get home. Miss you."

I read the message and looked at the guy in front of me.

"No thanks. I still have a lot to do tonight."

And we parted ways less than 10 minutes after meeting the guy from Grindr.

Maybe this open relationship can wait for now.

Part 2

The Set-up

2011-09-24T20:14:00.000-07:00

"I'll tell you something." I told my friend over the phone while I was in Dapitan.

"Go."

"I am..." I paused.

"What?"

"I am meeting a person from Grindr for the first time."

And I let out a laugh.

"Tsk, tsk, G. Does your boyfriend know?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Well...I don't think he needs to, after all, we will just meet, it's not as if we'll hook-up."

"But your boyfriend deserves to know."

At the back of my mind I felt he was right.

"Well, G?" He asked me after a few seconds.

"I will, when the time is right."

"Why don't you just tell him to be open?" He quickly added.

"Now is the best time, no, make that a few minutes after you've met the guy!"

We both laughed.

Ah, how many times have I pondered to have an open relationship. A most suiting set-up for those who want other options.

How many times have I asked myself this question, if it is really for me, if it is really for us.

But he made it clear - he wants exclusivity.

But I want it...somehow.

Part 1

Concluding The Drama

2011-09-21T07:04:00.000-07:00

You see D, even I got tired of my own drama.

And coming from such a drama king like me which I truly must confess, is as much overrated a person can get.

We cannot be friends, never be, and that is just something you and I and all the people who know us two should know.

You are a great person, an excellent friend but that's it - to them.

The times we have shared those were wonderful, the best I had and I know I can never replace them with anyone but you.

But you have to understand that avoiding you is the only rational move I can do. That the reason I chose to close my door on you is not because I hate you. Maybe at first but not now.

I remembered last time you asked if we are okay, I told you we will never be okay. Nearly a couple of years later that answer is still much of a fact.

I don't want us to be friends because I know myself, I am a stubborn, bull-headed, little brat, I will fall for you and that would not be fair.

That is why I have asked the greatest favor I have asked from you and that is between you and me only.

I honestly hope you will keep your promise, D.

Because you know who you are in my life - my hang-up.

Remnants

2011-09-18T06:39:00.000-07:00

And let me remember you of how we were and not how we are.

The Flirting Game

2011-09-16T07:11:00.000-07:00

I thought I had graduated from this phase, apparently I haven't.

There I was inside the MRT minding my own business, just listening to random songs in the playlist, and knowing it would just be a very average day for me. I wasn't even able to fix myself for crying out loud - with hair in distress, a zit as large as a moon crater, and a slightly crumpled polo shirt. I looked more like I had been harassed even before stepping inside the office premises.

But he was still stealing glances.

And of course I try to smile very faintly, ever so cautious.

He rode the train in Guadalupe. The first time I laid my eyes on him I told myself: "wow, he's cute" and resumed my listening.

But the longer I see him standing in front of me with his chinky eyes, fair-toned skin, and face that just seems very um, pleasing, the more I got engrossed in him.

At first, I tried to distract myself by looking at all the possible areas around the MRT but I can't. I really did try.

I caught him stealing glances again and this time the smile on his face prolonged for a little longer than expected.

So I try to reciprocate with a very weak smile. I can't go all the way. He might think I'm easy to get.

But what made me all jittery was when he was touching my hand with his hand along the vertical handle bar.

You see I have rare experiences like this in public places more so in cramped and compressed public vehicles so you can just imagine the exhilaration I felt when he was slightly touching my hand.

He was still smiling and I actually felt awkward and wanting to burst out laughing. But I kept my composure and just played along with it.

He was still lightly touching my hand while smiling unknowingly to the general public while stealing glances and I was doing the same. Call it reciprocity in its most discreet sense.

I thought it would last long, the flirting, the fun, the excitement. But alas, Cubao station came and well, it ended with the closing of the door. Him walking outside while I was still inside, trying to catch a glimpse of him amidst the people rushing to go down.

A Frisky Business

2011-09-03T23:00:00.000-07:00

"S is going out with another friend." My friend K told me over the phone one night.

"OMG! Are you serious?" I surprisingly asked him out of the blue.

"Yes." He replied.

"So that's why when I asked A how they were he just told me they stopped all forms of communication. Interesting."

"I can't believe S! From A to another friend of yours." I was bewildered by K's opening statement.

"Well G, you know how it is, he'll pass through most of my friends before we leave him in the wild - for others to hunt."

We hysterically laughed over the phone.

"And what about you, G? You can't seem all baffled by this. Weren't you part of this once?"

And then he suddenly caught me off guard.

I wasn't able to say anything to him for a few seconds.

Contemplating.

Recollecting.

Confirming.

"Why yes K, I was part of this grand business!" I laughed from my memoirs of last year's unexpected trysts.

"So don't OMG, OMG me when in fact, you started it before S." K laughed wildly over the phone.

And so from C to M to F to A, all of K's friends, I have been part of a conniving brotherhood. The one where they caught me at my most vulnerable wanting-others-to-touch-me moment.

But those, those were never bad things at all.

Intentions

2011-09-01T05:57:00.000-07:00

Stay for the oddest, strangest, and most far-fetched of reasons - but never out of pity.

Another Shade of Light

2011-08-28T22:32:00.000-07:00

Jonalyn woke up from her deep slumber. Her hair was wet with raindrops from their dilapidated roof. She cautiously looked around the area, her siblings were still asleep, succumbed by the coldness of the weather yet only their bodies in fetal position giving them warmth.

She rose with a slow pace not to disturb the peace surrounding their wooden home and carefully went to the kitchen area where she blindly searched for something edible to eat. Nothing.

She placed her modified black garbage bag ala raincoat and placed it on her thin and frail body. She decided to buy pan de sal at a nearby bakery.

The air was chilly and the drops were heavy but she shrugged the two aside thinking that her siblings would be darn hungry by the time they wake up, after all, they can't afford dinner anymore. Jonalyn braved the murky water and the floating specimens around their neighborhood. It was really a common thing in sight and did not bother her anymore.

A few minutes later she arrived at her destination, the neighborhood's sole bakery whose choices include a variety of bread with different colors and forms but of same tastes, a peso for each. She bent and looked hungrily into the glass case with eyes of starvation and greed. She wanted to buy all of them! Each and everyone of those pieces of bread! She would buy them and give them all to her siblings and maybe, if there would be left, she can get one or two pieces to gnaw on to last her for the rest of the day. Only if her money would suffice.

Alas, she snapped out of her daydream and slowly counted her money, their family's money. Twenty pesos. Enough to buy 20 pieces of bread for breakfast but not enough for the whole day. She looked at the pieces of wet coins like a mother to a child, she held it tightly and asked the baker for 15 pieces of pan de sal and 5 pieces of Spanish breads for variety. She heaved a sigh of relief. At least they'll be full for the morning. For lunch would be a problem not for the next six hours or so.

The baker gladly gave her the red transparent plastic where the warm breads were encased and moisting from inside. Jonalyn looked at the breads with delight but she also looked at the coins where she has no choice but to hand them over to the baker. She took the plastic and slid it under her modified raincoat and went on her way home. She clutched the plastic with her life. She was a little anxious for it might slip under her hands.

Once again she braved the murky water and the floating clutter around their neighborhood. The rain has not stopped but dwindled a little. She hurriedly walked a bit faster hoping that she could prepare them their breakfast before they all wake up. The plopping of her torn slippers across the neighborhood was increasing and she decided to make a final dash. She was still clutching the plastic which houses their only means of survival for the day.

Finally, she was able to return to their house safe and sound albeit wet. She carefully took off her raincoat and tiptoed her way across her siblings and turned on the oil lamp placed at the middle of their table. She got four saucers and placed them symmetrically across the table. She always liked it neat and in place. She also placed the plastic of bread not too close to the lamp but enough for it to be slightly warmed.

One by one she tapped her siblings' shoulders and whispered to their ears that it was time to wake up and nearly time for school. The children yawned and rubbed their eyes with their little hands and looked around as if searching for something. They all started to get up slowly from their blackened and torn mattresses and headed to the dining area. Jonalyn finally opened the plastic of bread, the precious pieces source of life, and carefully placed five pieces to four of her siblings, four pan de sals and a piece of Spanish bread. The youngest looked at her with worry. She looked back at her sister and smiled. She smiled in an "I will be fine" way. But still the youngest sister lifted her saucer and slowly handed it to her sister while chewing a minute piece. Jonalyn smiled again and she took the saucer from her sister and returned it back in front of her sister. She looked again at her sister who was still looking a little worried for she knew they weren't able to eat dinner but now is breakfast time, yet her sister refuses to eat. Jonalyn looked away across the dining table and outside their dilapidated wooden house. She walked away from them, walked towards the kitchen, got a kettle, and turned on the faucet. She will prepare for school too just like her siblings who are all still in their primary education.

She is Jonalyn, 12 years of age, barely out of elementary, head of the family, and a garbage collector together with her siblings.

Crowns and Trophies

2011-08-25T06:30:00.000-07:00

A little drama can be helpful.

Too much is just nuisance.

Capisce?

Go-To-Guys

2011-08-21T06:36:00.000-07:00

He is always there for you.

He always misses you dearly.

He texts you more often than you text him.

He wants to hug and kiss you all the time.

He makes you feel warm and fuzzy all over.

He makes you feel special.

He makes you feel that you are his world.

He is nearly perfect.

Except that - you can't fall in love with him and vice-versa.

Such is the fate of a go-to-guy. Even if he is the most charming, amiable, witty, most friendly, and good-looking guy that you have met.

He will always be a comfort person, convenient to put it in layman's perspective.

We all have one, or rather, had been one.

There is just something dynamic about the set-up, at the other end you feel you're just using him but at the same time you know he enjoys your company. Compensated.

Sometimes people can't help it, we just want someone, nothing long-term, not too much attachment, nor too much drama.

Go-to-guys are different from flings because flings, as most of us know, do not last more than a month, two weeks the most.

A go-to-guy is someone who you just want to hang-around, sleep with, wake up with an embrace, dress up for work, and go on with your life - simple.

But of course sooner or later it won't work any more. Temporary problem begets temporary solution.

And finally when everything crumbles you tell him, gtg.

Or he tells you that first - simple.

Finale

2011-08-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

For our stories are the only ones that we have at the end of the day...

The Need to be Wanted

2011-08-13T23:41:00.000-07:00

Don't we all have this longing? That somehow after the club lights fade, the check-in time ran out, the lights in the movie house ended, and the facility personnel closes the comfort room there would be someone waiting for us, wanting to be there, simply just be there, for a conversation.

That after all the rigorous gym activities, a stressful day at work, and a more stressful commuting time, there would be someone for us, smiling affectionately, wanting to hold our tired hands.

For years people like us have wondered and wandered what it truly means to be accepted not by the heterosexual community but of the homosexual one.

Aren't you the least bit curious what makes us why we just cannot seem to be fulfilled?

But what is even more of interest is just how much a person can truly endure or partake in order to be accepted.

Doesn't fulfillment and acceptance root from oneself primarily?

Dating back my yesteryears of me being obese, man, that was how I realized how the world can get so harsh and frankly I felt very um, unloved. But that is now in the past and I may not forget them nor is it easy to learn from them but moving on is what I can only do. And that is what I did. I started to lose weight, exercise, eat the right type of foods, did everything to be in tip-top shape but here is the thing, I still felt dissatisfied, like there was still something lacking, and that was when I had a huge realization.

I realized how lonely we can get and how life can be an oxymoron.

I realized how we as gay people can get so too critical, disoriented and confused, overlapping principles of contradiction.

I realized how sadness can overwhelm one and in turn, one seeks to be happy...in a different, erotic type of way.

That is the reason for Grindr, that notorious application. I was not merely using it as a tool for my worldly obsessions, rather, I was seeking answers by mere observation. I was trying to deduce assumptions. I wanted to know more about these men who are logged-in: topless, headless, nearly nude, smiling, smirking, aloof, buff, skinny, bears, dads, of different faces in different places all for the single objective. And I was able to produce a proposition, a hypothetical one.

Sex because it provides temporary intimacy, a thirst, a gripping hunger, a fleeting sentience.

But this is just my mere observation and perhaps also my two cents on those seeking for something long-lasting in that application that everyone is just raving about only a third distance from Facebook and Twitter.

You won't.

For that was never meant to be an avenue for relationships, well, maybe for text relationships but really, nothing deeper than that.

Well then that answered my question. Hence my Grindr is still there yet is still inactive just from the start.

"Well baby, you know what they say, the prettier you are, the more issues you have." As I frankly told my friend over the phone.

Verdict

2011-08-10T06:22:00.001-07:00

Because honesty, trust, and loyalty will always be arbitrary.

Puppetry

2011-08-03T06:26:00.000-07:00

"You have condoms?" He asked our friend who was having a spiked pineapple drink.

He disappeared for a while and appeared a few seconds after, holding the drink on his right and a small packet on the left. He gave the small packet to the guy and went to the kitchen, while dancing.

He tore it with craving eyes while I was still pinned down under his body. He set it aside and came near my face.

"Kiss me." He ordered again.

I looked away on his face. "I can't. I just can't." I regrettably told him.

"Sorry, I really am. But you know I had a crush on you ever since we met." He told me while he cupped my face and directed it towards his face. He looked at me with shame.

Boys and their words, their flattering words.

I looked into his eyes and felt guilty. I gave him a smack.

But he couldn't take the smack as an answer.

He licked my upper lip, ensuring that he gets all the area covered with his tongue. He continued to the lower lip doing the same thing.

I slowly started to open my mouth and tried to lift my body a little while I was slowly starting to open my mouth to give him a kiss but he pinned me down and his tongue went inside my half-opened mouth.

My body arched a little. I could feel electricity running all over. And everyone knows electricity causes heat.

He literally placed his body on top of me and got the torn packet near the headboard of the bed.

"What?" I was startled. "I thought this was not part of the plan? I told you I'm not up for it."

He went deaf. He started placing the condom. I was under his body. I was in a bit of panic.

This guy, he doesn't give up. I thought to myself.

He started to position me, lifting my legs, but I refuse. I refuse the idea.

"Please." He looked at me again.

"I will tell your boyfriend." I threatened him.

"We are open."

I knew that. Damn. Useless rebuttal.

He started to lift again my legs, slowly, surely.

I closed my eyes as he did his.

"Moan for me." He commanded one last time.

And so I did while a club song was playing in the background.

That bad girl power I got, I'll abuse it tonight
'Cause tonight got poison on my mind
That power I got, you'll be mine when I strive, feel alive
Got poison on my mind.

Part 2

Puppetry

2011-07-30T05:22:00.000-07:00

"Kiss me." He commanded in my ears along the staircase of O just as we were about to leave.

"Kiss me before he sees us." His voice became firmer, more in control.

And so I kissed him just like any other boy in the club kisses - with tongue.

"Delicious." He smiled and licked the right-most crevice of his lips.

Our friend appeared walking from the comfort room, he looked tired, we all were.

He let go of my shirt he pulled earlier to his body.

We smirked and traded quick glances, the three of us sent down to get a cab.

"Let's drink at my place." Our friend told us while waiting for a cab.

"I can't, I have to go home." I told him outright.

"No."

"But..."

"No."

"You know how he is when he is drunk." He told me with a surrendered look on his face

"Fine." I nodded and muttered.

We arrived in our friend's unit in heat.

"Kiss me." His command turned me on, really turned me on.

So I kissed him again, torridly, with more vigor, with more passion.

He removed my shirt and threw it somewhere. He then took his and out it flew also.

This time I placed myself on top of him and he need not ask again, I kissed him. French-kissed him. His lips were warm and moist, tongue so full of energy. He turned around and went on top of me.

He took off the belt of his pants.

"Wait! What are you doing?" Of course I know where this was going. Yet he went mute and proceeded to unbuckle his belt, he stripped off his pants. He was now wearing only his briefs and he now glued his eyes to my pants.

Gulp.

I was a little horrified. I didn't expect it to go all the way, after all, a boy must preserve his body sometimes - maybe this was not the moment for that.

He opened my button, unzipped my fly, and literally forced the pants out of my legs. He now searched for my crotch.

He grabbed me by my hips and pulled my briefs down and started to go down...

"F***." I was biting my lips while he was in between my legs. He looked at me and smiled again. I looked at him, closed my eyes, and bit my lips. It was that great.

He then took off his briefs.

"S*** me." He was that person again, forceful, in power, manipulative.

I looked at him and saw his face. It was demanding, no, ordering me to do it.

I grabbed him by the back and laid him down on bed and there I started a feast for one.

He was moaning violently, his body undulating with the rise and fall of my mouth, his head moving from side to side. After a few minutes, he held my right hand and lead me towards the bed. He was making me bend.

"Hey, I can't. I really can't." I protested looking at him with eyes of pity.

He simply shrugged it off his shoulder.

Part 1

Steps

2011-07-25T06:41:00.001-07:00

Learning need not always accompany failing first.

Psyche

2011-07-20T06:31:00.001-07:00

If you cannot help yourself then no one can.

The Last Fallen Leaf

2011-07-17T08:57:00.000-07:00

"My brother confirmed." Mr. Gray looked straight into my eyes. His voice, passive.

We had just stepped out of the PFW show in SMX. The air around us suddenly went from festive to serious.

"He told it to me when we were hanging-out at a local bar. He was drinking beer while I was drinking juice." He continued.

We guffawed at the thought.

It was during a volunteering act when I first met Mr. Gray and we clicked instantly. That was also the first time when he introduced me to his brother and right then and there I already knew.

His brother is gay.

I told him that that was what I initially felt but I also told him to just let it be, after all, we make our own decisions in life, who we are and who we want to be are ours to execute.

"But G, it can't be. We can't all be gay." He told it to me in a very neutral tone.

"Mr. Gray, you can't control him or anyone else for that matter. Sexuality isn't a lifestyle, it's a life."

He looked down at my shoes and he smiled.

"I like your shoes, where'd you buy them?"

"Topman."

"Rich kid." He joked.

"Dude, I bought them on sale. I'm not rich. You know where I stand."

Knowing him for quite sometime, he does fend off from sensitive topics such as these.

But I can not blame him. It is difficult being a homosexual more so if the entire brood of siblings are.

After that quick conversation he bade off goodbye and I, too, had said farewell.

As the day progressed I can not help but think of him and how he feels for I have been in his situation once and that led me to a lot of thoughts, deep ones, that really involved a lot of self-analysis.

"Hey Mr. Gray I just want you to know I completely understand how you feel and that is absolutely normal." I texted him while lying on my bed finding the most euphemistic words to send.

"Yeah, thanks a lot G. I really appreciate it."

"So how do you feel about it?"

"You know G it's funny how I somehow already knew it but when the time came that he confessed in the most subtle way, it still is hard."

"But of course it will sink in in time. Your brother is happy where he is and so should you be for him. Mr. Gray I know you are in retrospect right now, forming a thin layer of self-blame on yourself for being gay and how all of you are."

"Yeah plus the fact of who will be carrying our surname."

"Ah yes, that inevitable question of continuing lineage. Mr. Gray you are lucky to have understanding parents who still love you three and think that all of you are wonderful gifts for them. For now, that is not of worry, that should be the least of your worries. Time is always changing. In due time Mr. Gray your question will be answered. In due time."

"Thanks G, thanks a lot."

As my eyes started to feel heavy I saw myself asking the same question.

Maybe in time I shall have an answer for myself too...

Because living old and being gay does not mean living alone and being lonely.

Online

2011-07-13T08:02:00.000-07:00

I heard you're bored with your life, G.

Tsk, tsk, tsk and I thought everything was going well, too well in fact.

It seems you just can't be contained.

You wild beast, you.

Well, have you told your boyfriend about your little experiment? Your little social experiment?

Really now, a social experiment?

Who are you kidding?

Ah yes, yourself.

You always bewilder me, G, and at the best possible timing.

You really are bored.

Well then are you ready to Grindr?

The Truth Is...

2011-07-10T05:45:00.001-07:00

Everyone has an attitude problem,

it all boils down to the severity.

Of Fallen Masks

2011-07-02T21:58:00.000-07:00

Unbeknownst to him we were already acquainted months earlier. And we re-acquainted again at a masquerade party. His masquerade party.

It was the perfect disguise. A mask fits me well for the personal reason to have that anonymity. A cloak for the time being.

Until the need to take it off as part of the whole stint.

So there I was totally exposed from other people, mostly anonymous people.

Amidst my nature of being a wallflower the birthday boy greeted me and made me feel comfortable. It was awkward maybe because we really have not talked just some greetings from previous parties but nothing more, plus the fact that my initial impression of him being a snob. As minutes passed I was able to sense his genuineness and sincerity...

And that was the start of it all.

After his birthday party we have been updating non-stop - his blog, his day, his work, his men, his take on situations and issues arising, my life, my previous work, my take on certain experiences, or my opinions with his upcoming titles to his blog posts.

We do not really qualify as scratching each other's backs but it is as close as that.

"You know G, I wouldn't be feeling like this if I have my family with me." He looked across the bed with his sleepy, tired, and sad eyes.

"I absolutely know what you mean..." I looked at him, he was still looking distantly.

"You know how I have always told you that my friends are my family here." He slowly slid into the comforter and started to close his eyes.

"I know K, I know." I slid into the comforter too and looked at the ceiling. I placed my hands at the back of my head.

We both sighed.

"That's what M and I were talking about earlier, G. That I tend to think of problems that sometimes do not need to be one because that is my only issue. That I am still on the search for someone who is just like me." He continued to tell his story while I intently listened.

"Maybe that is why I love N. How he just knows everything and know me so well but at the same time being unpredictable and sweeping me off my feet."

"So you are looking for someone who is like you?"

"Yes. Someone who is like me."

"And N is exactly like you in most ways."

"Yes he is but in some ways, he is not."

"I see."

Sometimes we see ourselves in situations out of our hands yet still try to grasp some of it even if it means going through a process of knowing ourselves more, knowing someone more, knowing people more. For at some point we might encounter it again but this time we can handle it better, handle it with less fragility but still with caution.

"What a weird birthday."

"Well K at least you didn't say what a sad birthday."

And with that we covered ourselves with the warmth of the comforter and went to sleep and rest.

You shall be alright, oui, mes ami?

The Second Encounter

2011-06-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

And here you are again.

I thought we had an agreement, a civil one.

When was the last time? Four years? It has been really a while. I never thought you'd show up again.

I thought I had shut you out of my life for good. That was the best thing I could ever have done.

But why the sudden appearance or I just lacked insight yet again?

It is not as if I have missed you, as if I had somehow wondered how it would be like to have you again.

It was you who helped me and somehow thrashed me at the same time. Ah, how inconsistent.

Perhaps I am being too harsh. You did reinforce a certain type of fulfillment for me, a unique satisfaction.

Remember how I would always tell myself and tell you too how with you around everything just seems to be in control?

But you and me we had to stop for the reason that it was more of a destructive relationship than a beneficial one.

The last time I bid adieu. How about this time?

Purging episodes.

Unthirsty

2011-06-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

I have forgotten how to write, how to narrate stories of people, how to tell my stories.

Questions have halted yet answers have not been provided. Here I am at a standstill.

No, do not think I have been quite depressed, on the contrary, this is the point in my life where everything is just perfect. Too perfect.

But you see we have an innate thirst for what boggles and perplexes us, what makes us twitch our minds. It is of this thirst that makes us seek more for meanings lying somewhere bordering the sanity and insanity.

Ah yes, perhaps this current feeling of happiness is to be blamed that is causing all of these. The previous posts of soliloquy and somber, morose and moronic, impulsivity dabbed with regret, of concordant and discord, euphoria in its purest form, all these were written with sadness looming in my thoughts.

Oh how I could just shake this off and try to write again!

How awful it is for man to feel happy yet can not acclimatize to the feeling but when a truly worse encounter passes that is when you can think better, of difference, in thoughts of assortment. How truly ironic it is that you need to feel sad in order to seek happiness and happiness in turn can be monotonous...

So for now I shall be a hermit. Only time will tell when I have recollected my thoughts again.

Trounced

2011-06-18T22:13:00.000-07:00

Trials exist to make you either of the two - a bitter or better person.

Derailed

2011-06-07T08:29:00.000-07:00

Fate is the product of your final decisions.

Of Faith and Fear

2011-06-04T21:26:00.000-07:00

I was worried. It was already 6:45 in the morning and I am going to be late for work for the third time this week.

And we only had four days of work because of Memorial Day.

I checked the digital clock on my phone.

"I can still make it." I muttered to myself.

I turned around, hurried my steps, and brisk walked towards our house.

I buzzed twice before our gate was opened. I was already sweating like a pig. Walking my way across the garage, across the living room, and finally across the dining room, there atop the refrigerator was the one thing I left - a Lady of Manaoag bracelet.

Faith and I had always been more of acquaintances than opposed to having a strong tie. True I went to a Catholic school in my primary years but even with all the catechism, religion, and Catholic celebrations provided by the school, it did not really catch up to me.

First Friday masses would always be an hour for me and my classmates to eat Gobstoppers, Runts, or Nerds in the church and prayer time with the rosary would mean more yawns than the mysteries.

Although it has not been like these formerly. I too had a time of a strong connection, a bond to faith and religion. Where every Sunday means hearing a mass and drop by every time I go to the gym or just outside our subdivision for a quick stroll in a mall or anywhere nearby. But that has long since diminished from my routine.

Now I don't even go to mass but I do drop by the church only for a 5-minute prayer. To give thanks.

I have long questioned my faith and how I was not really inclined to it. Where moments of sadness and near hopelessness means just crying at night and comforting myself without the question of 'Where are you when I need you the most?'

And yet I still do believe in him although in a very unconventional way. It is inexplicable. No images, no lights emanating, no resurrections.

As I walked out of our house I strapped it onto my left wrist. I circled my right point finger along the contour of the bracelet and wrist, stretched it a little and snapped back onto my wrist. I gave out a weak smile.

I still believe. That is just it.

Finally catching my breath, I got in the jeepney where people were waiting for it to accelerate.

Taking Action

2011-06-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

You can always make something happen.

The question is when?

"I guess in the end we belong to what we love." - Mary Bertison, Elizabeth Kostova's The Swan Thieves

Self Portrait

2011-05-31T08:29:00.000-07:00

I looked at the plain white canvas purposely. Holding my paintbrush I started to place the tip of the brush delicately smothering the surface of the canvas. How careful I was of placing paint onto the canvas - its pure glory. Little detail by little detail curves and lines became shapes. Smudges transformed into shades of different hues. I kept placing oil paint onto my palette and from the palette it gets expressed onto the canvas. The former white glory had been replaced by a face - my face with every crease and fold - a replica.

I smiled and let it dry for awhile, enough for it to be placed from my previous work. I hung it up on the right side, just along my past self-portrait which I made about three years ago.

I suddenly gasped with horror. Positioning alongside each other was a mistake.

My insecurities, can of worms which I have safely closed and placed in the innermost of my thoughts have gone creeping up as if awakened from a deep sleep yet this time their resurfacing was more pronounced.

Fine lines, wrinkles, tired and weary eyes have been the outcome after three years. The eyes which I have been known for, to have expressive ones were now lacking. Gone were the days when I could stare and invoke such a reaction from a person.

How I have missed that.

The fine lines that have been there since college circa have doubled in number, most prominent along the cheeks and nose but also along the outside part of my eyes. It is irritating.

Wrinkles which have appeared very recently have been frustrating and scary. To see a little loosening of the skin makes me wonder - what will happen to me in the next three years?

A few tears trickled down my eyes and I resigned to a nearby couch, confused and in despair.

I can not take the latter down nor the former but for now I can not bear to look at both of them. I sighed and slumped further onto my seat. It is of no use. Ageing is inevitable, mortality is inevitable.

And so a crisis has opened again.

Shifting Wind

2011-05-29T00:50:00.000-07:00

It was a rainy Sunday afternoon. The sun had been hidden since yesterday morning. The chirping birds outside try their very best to take shelter from nearby roofs or trees with enormous branches and leaves. The majority of the sound is produced by the fall of rain on the now mud-ridden street of ours.

Quiet times like these remind me so much of my very first entry here. It was the initial question that I thought of that time, a rumination which I couldn't quite fathom. I didn't have an answer to that nor have I fully understood it now but something about that made me write it here - a post into a journal, my online diary.

And with a click-clack sound of the keys on the netbook, I still am going back and forth, deleting and adding texts to this current entry of mine. Not that I have a lot to say anyway.

Do you back read often?

I do and it amuses, perplexes me how I could have written most of them. The mind really does work in such complexity.

Some funny, some fictitious, some sorrowful, some grief, some perky, some jovial, some complaints, some worries and anxieties, some disappointments, some contentment, some full of life, some hurting, some memories and trivialities, most often overly dramatic.

And with these journeys (or fictional narratives) of which I began to write down on the internet corresponds to what I was feeling strongly at that time, what I was thinking incessantly at that time.

Through these few remaining semi-irrelevant pondering sentences which seem endless because of the euphoric birthday bash last night meaning lack of rest and sleep, a gloomy weather with binge episodes, a recent sober state, and a mind that becomes ambivalent every minute including now, I must say I really have gone quite a long way. And will still be running more, for life is just a cycle. A period becomes an ellipse.

And seasons might end but a character's life still pursues challenges lying ahead.

A rollercoaster ride with a hint of whirlwind.

Thank you for taking the time and oh yeah, congratulations to my 300th post!

Turmoil and Strife

2011-05-28T01:17:00.000-07:00

The most important person you can trust is yourself.

A Silent Forlorn

2011-05-25T07:49:00.000-07:00

It was a windy afternoon. The sun was hiding behind the gargantuan sheets of clouds scattered throughout the sky. The trees gracefully swayed from left to right. School-aged children were all playing outside accompanied by their mothers or guardians.

Zach and Kirby were riding their blue bicycles. They were laughing, chasing each other, and having the best time with each other. Zach is our neighbor. A big kid, big for his age. Oh yeah, and heavy too. I see myself in him when I was growing up. Kirby on the other hand is my cousin. A big kid too. They've been best friends ever since they were toddlers and have been inseparable ever since. They consider Thomas the train as a national hero.

As the two practically pedalled their way around our stone-ridden street I can't help but smile at them. With their innocent laughs and joyful disposition, their playful moment made me nostalgic.

I closed our gate and went inside the house. I came from somewhere and thought I had enough idle time watching them. I need to rest a little.

I saw my Dad seating comfortably again and watching a noontime show I didn't even bother checking.

It irritates me how he can sit so comfortably without worries and yet my Mom tries so hard just to make ends meet.

I took off my clothes which were slightly soaking in sweat and proceeded to the comfort room and there along with the digested food, I flushed the bad vibes away.

I donned my boxer shorts, went out of the comfort room and felt much better. I noticed something different. My Dad went out. He opened the car and switched the engine on.

I went near our door just behind the screen to see what was happening.

Zach and Kirby were still playing just outside the gate, still with the same mood and affect.

He looked at the two and smiled. His smile actually makes me digress but this time there was something queer - a peculiar feeling from his smile.

I saw repentance in his smile. I could clearly see how the two reminded him of me as a child, always playful, always cheerful, always happy, sometimes crying.

I saw his smile with a twist of sadness, that somehow, had he been a better father, we would have been better children.

He used to call me 'good boy'.

But there is nothing he could do about it now. Times have changed. People have changed. I have changed. I still despise him.

In time I know in my heart that I will be able to forgive him but the question is, will it be too late by then?

That, that I don't know for now...

Dawn was nearing. Zach and Kirby packed up their bikes and went into their respective homes while my Dad went out of the house and I went upstairs to my room to take a nap.

O Bar Ortigas 101

2011-05-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

Clubbing is very elementary.

1. Hydration is crucial. I kid you not.

2. Drag shows fill the early part of the night so be ready. Patience is key.

3. Stay away from the smaller ledge unless you're super hook-up desperado or badly needs attention.

4. The best crowds are near the bar area.

5. Cramped, hot, and very ridiculously irritating. This is a love it or hate it club.

6. You don't own the dance floor, be wary of the people around you. Etiquette please.

7. Even getting drinks can be a hassle. Oh well, you can't have it all.

8. It maybe tight but it doesn't mean you need to be rude and shove people just because you feel you're pretty. We'll be the judge of that.

9. Oh please, so what if you saw your ex with a date? It's all about you and yourself tonight. Dance!

10. Never, ever, ever wear your brand new shoes in this bar.

11. Dispose drunk club dates immediately.

Playlist: Club Diversity

2011-05-22T07:31:00.000-07:00

Most people I know avert from club music. They don'y understand it at all. The beat. The rhythm. The lyrics. They think it's a waste of time to listen to any of them.

I have always appreciated musical genre. From the first time I have heard Benny Benassi's - Satisfaction and for the times I have listened to my cousin's compiled CDs. I have since been hooked.

This music helped me. Soothed my young adult rage and supported me to cope up in various experiences.

Listening became like a sanctuary, a place where I just close my eyes and let my mind take me to where it may take me.

To the vastness of what I can imagine plus the euphoria it brings.

1. Dove by Moony. The first time I have heard this one I was hooked. The beat is catchy. A classic that I still play even with the wave of new songs.

2. Pink Life by Gyskard. First time I heard this in the now defunct Fluid Bar. This song not only brings me back to my early years of going to Malate but also of the people I have met there. A very memorable song indeed.

3. Selfish by Sunset Daze. Initially I wasn't really into this song primarily because it doesn't have that upbeat uproar like most songs in this genre but the more that I listened to this, the more I loved the song and the lyrics are pretty cool too. Although it's really more of a chill-out-after-dance song.

4. Papi Chulo by Lorna. This song made me return every consecutive weekend to Malate.

5. Fashionista by Jimmy James. Come on! Do you really think I'd forget this one? Where it took me approximately a month to memorize the lyrics? Never. This song remains as one of my most listened to even in the MRT while I silently lip sync the designers.

"D&G and BCBG, looking good is never easy, Alexander Herchcovich, Naomi Campbell's such a bit**!"

6. Absolutely Not by Deborah Cox. I fell in love with this song. The kicka** attitude. How the fast-paced tempo just twirls around the melody.

"I won't compromise my point of view, absolutely not, absolutely not."

I would never do.

7. Man in the Mirror club mix by Hed Kandi. This song is the bomb! I got hooked to this instantly the moment my ears heard it. What's funny is that I heard this one before Michael Jackson's original version but what the heck, I still love this.

8. Shining Star by Get Far. I searched for months just knowing who made this song. This was the coolest song in Malate last 2006. By the time I have found this song in Limewire, the song was already considered prehistoric.

9. I Just Wanna Fu**ing Dance by Jerry Springer The Musical. This is the song that made me cherish my club years of yore. Like the last song, this too had been in my Most Wanted List for the longest time, longer than Shining Star actually mainly because I don't have an idea of the title. I mean come on, who would name the song I Just Wanna Fu**ing Dance? Well, it seems someone brilliantly did and it is pretty wicked.

Aren't we all? :)

10. Ever After by Bonnie Bailey. Hands down, this is still what tops my list of club music. The groove, the rhythm, the way the song makes me feel good inside and out. This is just so awesome in so many different levels.

I wonder how people can not appreciate songs like these? True, some of them might not have the most decent lyrics nor the best of inspirations but this genre has so much potential in giving a person not just some stress-less enjoyment but also listen past into the nature of the songs and appreciate it as an art.

Albeit done in a crammed, humid, different yet ironically comforting place in what we fondly call a club.

My Better Judgment

2011-05-19T08:07:00.000-07:00

He looked at me with his almond shaped eyes and smiled.

We were walking along the grandiose walls of Intramuros. The historic place that had awed me from the first time I laid my eyes on one of the Spanish-styled establishments.

I shyly turned my head away from him. I felt timid just being around him.

He is 5'10" while I was just slightly higher than his chest.

He has that silky black hair that bounces slightly above his shoulder while I had that hair that looked like I have been struck by lightning.

He is lean, very lean, one that would make you ogle while I was a stocky child, binded to the world of carbohydrates and schoolwork.

He resembles Rain albeit a darker color so imagine that while I look like a very average, geeky, normal person.

"It's finally nice seeing you." He told me while he was slightly grabbing my hand.

"Yeah." That was all that I could mutter.

We have been set-up by my sister. They were friends through Dance, Dance Revolution. Remember that game? Well anyway, yeah, we were set up by my good old sister.

As with all the cliche new generation getting-to-know phases it all started with a volley of texts and calls. He wasn't really into texts much while I was more of that. He preferred calls and that he did. But the thing is he would call at the wee hours of the morning and that meant I had to be awake by 1 am or 2 am while I wait for his call, talk for about an hour, then go back to sleep and wake up by 5 am to go to school.

You could say it was one of my feeble attempts again to build something out of thin air. Heck, sometimes you hope for better things, right? Because you know you deserve them.

I was a newbie. An amateur. A neophyte when it comes to man-to-man relationships.

I was falling.

"You know, I could just hug you right now if there weren't people around." We were still walking now along the building of Manila Bulletin. There were dimly lit street lights that made his statement more surreal yet inexplicable.

"I could do just that too." This time grinning from cheek to cheek.

In the end all I could do was lightly touch the back of his hand.

I guess that will do for now, at that time.

We went out of the Walled City and into the Post Office where people, mostly couples, occupy the benches placed across the place.

We sat down and faced each other through a damp yet memorable night.

I looked again at his almond shaped eyes and was smitten again.

He smiled at me and I smiled back.

We talked about a lot of things, of our schooling, of our friends, of us, and of former partners.

That time it didn't matter to me if we talked about them, after all, I only had one and we've been unattached since.

He told me of his exes. It wasn't an issue. Amidst our conversation he suddenly whipped out his wallet and showed me a picture of a guy.

"That was my last ex. He's half Japanese." He handed me the picture and I looked at his ex.

Good looking. Great smile. Good mix of parents.

I returned the picture to him and said my thanks.

"I guess we should call it a day. Text me when you get home." There were still classes tomorrow morning and I have to study some concepts as well.

I accompanied him to where the FXs were lined just a few walks away from the benches.

He stepped inside the FX and bade goodbye.

I waved my hand and went on my way to my boarding house.

I awaited for something - a text, a miscall, anything from him.

He vanished into thin air.

A couple of years later I saw him again, now in Malate, with his friend who connects the dots between him and my older sister.

He still looked the same.

I wanted to punch him for not being a man and just tell me that he doesn't like me and not go poof! like some sorcerer or magician. Whichever is worse.

But the opposite happened. I danced with him inside the club as if nothing happened. Yeah, that was two years ago for crying out loud.

Some experiences are better learned than regretted.

We rode the same FX home.

"Can I tell you something?" He looked straight into my round eyes with his half-slit ones.

What could it be? Is there anything he still wants to cram on my face?

I looked back into his eyes. I doubted for a second.

"Sure." I said it with a slight tinge of doubt.

He and his supposed ex-bf never really broke up.

Good looking guys really are jerks.

This is just some of what I have experienced from their types.

A Life Scare Conclusion

2011-05-15T21:03:00.000-07:00

Sunday night was not only chilly, it was also a time of deep thought. The next day would be a make and break situation.

A time to visit the hygiene clinic.

It was November since I last visited and I have not been that angelic and sugary sweet.

I thought of postponing it, deliberately postponing it. Deny the thought of returning again for a health check.

But the dread is killing me. Too many thoughts creeping in and out of my head. It was a night of torture. One of the not-so-good nights.

The rain weeped all through the night with the air enticing a deep and undisturbed slumber yet I encountered an opposite feeling. I turned and tumbled on my bed trying to find the best sleeping position or even just rest or even just a nap. I just needed a shut eye that Sunday night.

I got an uneventful one with me waking up at the middle of the night several times and checking the phone.

I woke up Monday morning with that feeling of anxiety, that anxiety I just can't seem to shake off even with a cup of coffee.

I took a deep breath and started preparing.

It's going to be a long day. I thought to myself.

As I walked inside an LRT coach, I felt my heart pump harder. Somehow I wished I didn't do all those.

But I can't undo those nor could I say I didn't enjoy those time. Regrets are such evils I have a hard time getting out of my system.

Alighting down the Tayuman station my jaws clenched and my grip hardened. This is it. The moment I have been waiting, dreading, and nearly postponing just for me to stay away from what might be the truth.

Walking across San Lazaro I could feel my courage picking up. It will be alright. I was trying to convince myself.

It will be alright.

I sat down on a wooden bench near a table where information needs to be filled out.

A nurse, the same nurse who I have encountered twice in the past went out of her room.

She asked me my reason for the visit and gave me an information sheet just like the first and second time. I gladly took the piece of paper, wrote all the needed information, and gave it to her. She told me to come with her inside her room there she wrote what I would be tested for. This time aside from the usual virus test she usually writes, she also wrote in another test - RPR.

I walked down towards Room 106. The room where I always have been sent to. It was not easy to go down the ground floor that time especially since guilt was figuratively eating me inside out plus the fact that a lot of people were there for their health checks too.

After what seemed to be forever the blood was drawn out off my forearm and I was instructed to wait upstairs for the results.

The moment, that very moment I sat waiting for the test result was one of the most panicking 30 minutes of my life. My mind conjured of different questions ranging from worst to best and back to worst then best again.

It was a moment of branching, no, multitude of outcomes. It wasn't easy I tell you. Going there never was.

After a few minutes the nurse went down to get the results.

This is it. The moment of truth. There is no turning back. I could but that would be just running away from the problem.

So I stayed and patiently waited.

I looked around the old paraphernalias about STDs, HIV, signs, symptoms, what to do, who to seek, everything. It was comforting yet guilt was still gnawing.

After a few minutes a white shape was emerging from the steps below. It was the nurse with a piece of paper held between her hands. The much awaited result.

I swallowed a large ball of saliva and clasped my hands together. I need to be brave. I have to be.

The nurse told me to come inside the room. Her expression was neutral. She told me to sit down and that I did. She looked at me with eyes of truth and honesty. She looked at me intently.

She gave me the folded piece of paper, the paper that holds my future.

I looked at the sheet with curiosity.

And I smiled.

The Art of Euphemism

2011-05-08T17:25:00.000-07:00

The night was biting. It had been a long day with the sun rising only to a certain extent while the clouds covered the rays and the wind dominantly filled the Metro.

It has been awhile since this happened. The summer was ferocious and it still is but tonight was an exception. I was under a blanket.

I was reading A Brave New World by Aldous Huxley when I suddenly heard some noise outside. Closing the book and laying it near the headboard of the bed, I peeked outside.

There were two guys, gay guys in shorts nearly up to their pubices. They were flamboyantly talking, walking, and doing hand gestures. They were making such noise outside that it became apparent to me that it was really a ruckus. I told myself to calm down and let them walk up to where they were heading and just be done with it but my mind was being tortured by their high-pitched tones accompanied by high volume resonating to a certain degree of irritability.

Readying to shout from our home and let people have their peace of mind, I was trounced by a guy from a nearby house telling them to shut up.

Now normally I wouldn't react and nonchalantly reopen the book again. It was an interesting book about a futuristic caste system but no, the man's words were simultaneously downright discriminatory and derogatory. Calling them faggots and telling them to shut up isn't right. Not right at all.

The words reverberated to my ears like a loud titillating scream inside a hollow cave. Annoying.

I closed my ears and bit my lips to control my patience. This isn't the right time for a rebuttal.

With the society in an alarmingly increasing freedom of expression and speech, there is also a rapid decline of morals.

The man could have just told them to shut up and make up with a lesser evil approach but he had to do it with a greater evil.

Euphemism. Just how keen are we in using this?

How many times have you had someone you disliked tell it straight to their faces that they are fugly and would never be happy for the rest of their damned lives?

I had and hurt many lives. It was inexcusable. It showed everything I am from personality to breeding and finally how I perceive others.

But I have learned to be more adapted to people especially now where most people can be really bit**y and complaining about minute albeit totally resolvable things plus the gap between social classes are becoming more pronounced so to speak.

Incessant discrimination is all around us and that is the truth but you don't have to "ride with the tide". The world is brash and we don't need to add to this.

If people just look more into the situation than telling people outright, without thinking clearly, how one feels then this might just help us to be better people.

The question lingers and it's challenging you: how can you be a euphemist?

Early Morning Nuisances

2011-05-04T07:13:00.000-07:00

The younger child pressed the pillow against the tiny ears. It was that time of the day again. That time of Saturday.

The shout was heard across two blocks, it was irritating to say the least. It was an early morning after all. A time to relax after five days of non-stop, ever-enduring, homework-giving, stress-inducing, quiz-popping, early-waking, recitation-dreading, schooling.

The shout was now heard from just a block away, the younger child tried so hard to push the pillows against the tiny ears but it was just futile. It was more irritating than the first, louder, and more pronounced. Add to that of the sun's first glorious rays, spectacular as it may seem, did not help the younger child to go back to sleep. The child grumbled on the pressed pillow. His words were of dismay. His sleep was definitely cut short and that is bad. Too bad.

He had to think fast! He had to do it now! He remembered what they were taught at school, of counting sheeps, of thinking 'happy moments', of, uh, of...the younger child can not think anymore. The sun has risen to its full shining, glaring, scorching glory add to that a yelling Mother downstairs calling to her sleeping kids upstairs.

The younger child grumbled some more on the pillow, grumbled all he could, grumbled as if the pillow made a grave mistake.

If the pillow only had eyes it would have cried and if it had ears it would have dashed out from the kid's suffocating grip. But sadly it was stuck in between the arms of a perilously disturbed sleep of the younger child.

And then it happened. The most annoying thing that anyone could ever do, that a stranger could ever do. The taho vendor standing in front of their house, shouted the younger kid's name in all its full volume.

Ah!!! That does it, the younger child jumped out of bed, unlatched the pillows, dashed, no, ran downstairs, dissing the calling Mother, dissing the scrumptious breakfast, and out the garage. Making his toes tip just so to confirm the presence of the man. The man who officially just ruined the beginning of a school-free weekend.

The younger kid opened their gate. Walking heavily along the dusted street ala cowboy. The vendor smiled at the younger child. No reciprocation.

Infuriated and disappointed. A smile would not do anything. No. The sleep had been disturbed. He has to pay. He would knock the sock out of this person. If the kid could. The kid could at least try.

Within a feet away, the younger child gritted. Oh it was a grit like that of a cat's hiss.

The younger child was about to jump towards the taho vendor but suddenly he laid out his hand and on his hand he was holding a large cup of taho.

The child apprehended. No, it couldn't be. A bribe. Yes, definitely a bribe of some sort or it could be a reward. The child got confused.

Still holding the cup of that sweet, yummy, creamy taho, the kid looked a little better. The grit was transformed into closed lips and silence, bowing down.

And with what little pride, or at least how pride works at that age, the younger kid grabbed the cup and dashed home just wearing a shirt and underwear.

Just A Thought

2011-05-03T06:07:00.001-07:00

You don't have to explain yourself to everyone.

The Friend of a Friend...

2011-05-01T04:59:00.000-07:00

Oh I could just laugh hysterically.

K, your friends do delight me ever so much.

The third time I've been asked the golden proverbial question.

Have we done it yet?

Heavens no, sweet, sweet A. We haven't done it yet. You naughty, naughty boy.

Well, because K is a friend and you are...an exception.

And where is that little boy we tagged along? Waiting for K are you?

Why don't you join us first while K mixes you a drink.

He did promise you a drink after all.

But we didn't promise you anything.

And don't play innocent with us.

You do know that four boys on a Sunday morning, on a drunken state, and on a libido rush ain't anything but a promising fun.

Can you say, cuatro leche mi amigos?

Part 3

Just A Thought

2011-04-28T06:26:00.001-07:00

Never get yourself involved if it doesn't involve you in the first place.

The Friend of a Friend...

2011-04-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

Three bottles of Tanduay Ice, two hours inside O Bar, one drunk club date.

You don't intend to babysit, do you?

So you pack his bags and send him home.

And even before you have the time to make a dash inside the club...

Look do we have here, well it's K and his friend A, popping out of a cab. What brings you at this time of the morning? And at this part of the town?

But you see boys, it's already too late to look for boys.

Or is it?

Ah yes, the power of persuasion. K, you amaze me how you do that.

I can still remember what you told that innocent boy outside O.

"Let's drink at my place, come."

And just like that, that silly little boy plopped at the back of the cab.

With me and A of course.

Part 2

The Friend of a Friend...

2011-04-19T05:25:00.000-07:00

I don't give a f*** no more, if people think I am a wh***.

I just wanna dance, oh, I just wanna dance.

When most people surrender to their beds, we boys do the complete opposite.

Get up and go clubbing.

It's been awhile since you've gone out G. A month? Two? Three months?

And what's this G, an acquaintance, a delectable one, asking if you'll go?

Of course you will, it was already planned, schemed, devised.

There is no excuse.

But be careful G, acquaintances are not friends and there are just some booby traps you would gladly place yourself into. ;)

Part 1

Homewrecker.

2011-04-17T08:05:00.000-07:00

Today marks the third time someone asked me to lay off their boyfriend.

I am not that type of boy, sorry to rain on your parades...

Tell It To Me Straight

2011-04-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

"2015." I can already imagine B grinning with excitement earlier this day.

B and I have only met once but it's as if we have known each other for a long time. Even though we maybe busy with our own lives and we barely talk nowadays, we still do get in touch once or twice in a blue moon.

"Hey G, me and P will be having dinner with our moms tonight." He updated me last Saturday while I was inside a jeep going home.

I read his text and somehow I can't help but feel jealous. I am happy of course but still jealous.

"So how are you feeling about this dinner?" I politely asked.

"Me and P are nervous." B told me. He and P had been going steady for a little less than six months now and things are looking wonderful for them.

"Imagine B, this is a huge step." I texted him with so much delight.

"Some even say it is a milestone, G." Proud and confident of his answer.

I am sure it is. For people who are like us.

The affirmation. The parents' affirmation can be deemed as an important point of validity in being gay, a homosexual, a gay man in search of acceptance. Let's be frank, even the thought of our friends, people closest to us and accepting us can be liberating.

An eye opener.

And sadly not all of us are given a chance like that.

The freedom to be accepted. The feeling of satisfaction. The parents' go signal.

I didn't bother asking B what happened over the weekend, after all these days are rest days.

"So, how'd the dinner go?" I hurriedly typed in the question and immediately sent it to B while I was at work. Honestly, the thought of it still makes me feel ambivalent.

"Me and P were still nervous but thank goodness for our moms who know how to carry the conversation." He made a reply without a minute too soon.

My eyes lit up. There they are, a testament that it is possible, it maybe possible.

And for a minute or two I imagined myself in their place.

What it would be like to finally confirm and tell them I am gay and proud of it.

What it would be like to finally present to them my partner, one I had been in love for the longest time.

What it would be like to finally sit down, talk to them during dinner and let us tell them our story how we met and how we plan for the future.

Isn't that wonderful?

I placed my phone down and closed my eyes. The computer awaited for my input.

No, give me a minute. I quietly told the computer.

After a while I took my phone again from its place and texted.

"How nice B. Truly I am happy, happy for you. What's next then?" Emphasizing how I wish them all the best. Only the best.

"Thank you G. Just a small problem, he is going to Saudi in a month."

"It's a test B and this will show how strong love and faith really is. How your love and faith really is for each other."

"Yeah, I know. We already had a handful of talks about this. Laughs, cries, plans but in the end I have to give way. I understand why he needs to work abroad." I could somehow feel how our talk shifted. How I could see a small crease of sadness in his lips.

"Well B it is a test."

"Yes. And it's also to show people that LDRs work." B told me in a serious yet lighter fashion. Somehow the mood shifted.

And our conversation went again.

"We'll get wed soon G." I was surprised and amazed. There was nothing I could say. He dropped a big one. One that I couldn't make a reply.

But of course I had to...

"When?"

"I will propose to him first but I already set the year when we will get wed." And it looks like B's smile just got even better.

And of course I could not be any happier not just for them but for me also. Because I know in time, I don't know when, but in time, I shall propose to a man too, my man.

This Boy, This Little Boy Part 2

2011-04-09T05:22:00.000-07:00

Well who said anything about not continuing what I already started?

Of course I will, silly.

41. I am not afraid of dying but of ageing.

42. I love desserts. A homemade fruit salad is for me, absolutely divine.

43. Most exciting s**? Me and him with his sleeping brother and mom in front. :)

44. I don't like watching movies. I strongly think it's a waste of time. And good money.

45. I drink coffee three times a day. It's an addiction.

46. Spice Girls forever!!! Wheee!!!

47. Snarl is my favorite Transformers character.

48. Speaking of, I was fascinated by dinosaurs. Too bad they were extinct by the time I was born.

49. Me and sarcasm are best of friends.

50. Me and patience never really got along quite well.

51. I used to collect chopsticks from every Chinese or Japanese Restaurant I go to until I realized most of them actually have one supplier with the same packaging.

52. Hugs for me is the best form of expression of love.

53. Between you and me, I masturbate before clubbing. Go figure.

54. I admit, I'm bad in Math, really bad but the factor tree was my forte.

55. I have always wanted to model but I guess we can't have it all, can we?

56. I grew up as a people pleaser.

57. My teenage rebellious stage came when I was already in college. Talk about late.

58. When I was in frosh,I let my hair get long ala F4. The end result: Cousin It from The Addams family.

59. The majority of time I spent watching tv is watching cartoons. Phineas and Ferb rocks!

60. I was a Pokemon card collector.

61. Favorite movie line: "I shall destroy you!" - Hatsumomo, Memoirs of a Geisha.

62. I say shoot instead of shit. Lesser evil, I guess.

63. I got circumcised when I was 15.

64. When I was younger I thought I was impotent.

65. Boredom kills me.

66. I grew up with manipulative, overprotective, immature parents.

67. I am not vain.

68. People sometimes think I fish for comments, little do they know it's actually lack of self-confidence.

69. I was born when 2 peso bills were still existing. :)

70. Boxer briefs only at night.

71. I have never, ever liked the smell of incense.

72. The most beautiful scene I ever saw was at Intramuros overlooking the Manila Hotel while fireworks lit up the ominous yet incandescent sky.

73. I do not eat meat innards. They are way disgusting for me.

74. I have restarted on my no beef, no pork diet again after I ate a Chicago deep dish. Damn you pizza and your ultimate goodness! Damn you!!!

75. I am positively, dangerously impulsive.

Getting Through My Age...

2011-04-02T05:30:00.000-07:00

"It wouldn't make a difference. No, it wouldn't." I was talking to myself inside the MRT trying to clear my head of some distorted ideas.

"Commitments, you don't believe in those anymore." The mind continued its arrogance, that egoistic mind trying to brain-wash me of what I believe.

My steps were quick and my breath was getting quicker. I was late for a date.

"No pressure G, relax." I tried cooling off, manipulating my current emotion from overwhelming the best of me.

My cheeks were flush, my nape starting to produce sweat and my movement went faster. He was waiting for me.

"You do know that, do you G? That somehow, suddenly, the world conspires on you, trying to push you into something you don't want." I can picture my reflection now, wearing a sardonic smile and a wink to top it all off.

"But I am that guy, that type of guy, that guy who knows to commit." I told myself this, my reflection, for him to halt his insistence.

"Since when G? You can barely keep a relationship alive for two weeks." He told it to me right smack at my face.

I stopped. And rethought.

Is it true? That for the longest time I am still trying to convince myself that I can actually be a boyfriend and a partner?

I still haven't moved a muscle. I was near the entrance to Shangri-la Mall. I walked slowly to the side, letting customers get inside while I sort it out. Feelings, thoughts, their opinions, my opinions.

It was a daunting task but I had to resolve it and not a moment too soon.

Not an emotion too soon.

And after a few more minutes I resumed my walk again, meeting him. Meeting him with so much desire and affection.

Ah yes, failed relationships can either cripple you or make you stand up better. These are challenges you can learn from and hopefully not to make the same mistakes again or be bull-headed and make the same mistakes again until never-ending could be's will stay swirling in your head.

Do I believe in commitments?

Yes. Yes I still do. Despite failed relationships. Despite falling into pits of loneliness. Despite mending over and over again. I still do.

But the commitment I believe in does not need words to express the thoughts.

The commitment I believe now is the type where both of us feel perfectly right where we are...

I have since then been incapable of saying 'Yes, we can be partners.'

No words to seal the deal.

Only acts.

Taking Promises

2011-03-27T07:52:00.000-07:00

A Promise.

How far would you go in keeping one?

Making one?

Letting it happen?

A Promise.

It can create things so powerful even one might get overwhelmed.

It can conjure a lot of things we had in our minds.

It can form mounds and mounds of what-may-be's.

A Promise.

When was the last time you had one for yourself?

For your significant other?

For the ones you love?

A Promise.

It can be the simplest.

It can be superficial.

It can be worth it.

It can be a waste, a complete and utter waste.

A Promise.

It is powerful.

Because when we say it, we mean it and we do it...

This Boy, This Little Boy Part 1

2011-03-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

I figured I need a breather from my usual posts so I'm posting something totally egocentric and self-centered er, or some facts about me or people I have met.

1. I love reading books. My favorite author is Carlos Ruiz Zafon and my favorite book is The Angel's Game but I was initially interested in Alexandre Dumas' The Count of Monte Cristo but I have read books by Jules Verne, Oscar Wilde, John Steinbeck, Arlene Chai, Bob Ong, Neil Gaiman, Dan Brown, Mitch Aibom, and Alex Sanchez. I still have a lot of catching up to do.

2. I play fighting games a looot. My favorite character is Morrigan Aensland.

3. I am a frugal freak. Since time immemorial I think I have been this way. Even in College I'd bring a packed lunch each and every time ranging from Kamameshi rice to oatmeal.

4. I have this little habit of being very particular from books to read, to fabrics of clothes and the way I dress for work. It can take me a couple of hours just for me to buy that perfect book or even more in buying the perfect shirt.

5. I always, always wipe the toilet bowl before taking the dump.

6. I stopped counting after boyfriend #7 and I even forgot who boyfriend #7 was!

7. I need to have at least six hours of continuous, uninterrupted and well-rested sleep. Less than that would be disastrous.

8. You NEVER, EVER, EVER wake me up without me telling you beforehand to wake me up. My sleep is more important than your life. Yes.

9. I go to the gym twice a week and cardio once a week.

10. Favorite jogging song - Teenage Dream by Katy Perry.

11. I don't normally ask for someone's mobile number. Only in two instances. A blogger Kane and Mu[g]en know (which will never get out of your mouths I presume) and someone I was not initially smitten to but got me smitten the second time but I think he is either taken or dating exclusively with this guy I kissed before.

12. Yes, I delete Facebook friends. I don't mind, really.

13. I have numerous acquaintances both personal and casual but I only have a handful of persons I can truly call friends.

14. MGG was the first blogger I met and talked with then I came to interact with his other friends and then the circle widened.

15. I actually met Kane about a month or two before I started blogging. During MGG's birthday party.

16. I also met Nimmy's officemate a year before I encountered and read Nimmy and his blog. I didn't even know they were officemates.

17. I have met Engel once. I will not tell you where. But it was very brief. ;)

18. I first met Mu[g]en dancing in BED. That was Mcvie's birthday celebration where I also met Carrie and Tristan Tan. London Boy you know I have met you many times. Hehe.

19. Second time I met Mu[g]en was in Kane's birthday party and I can still remember how I asked for his number through K just so I could thank him for putting up with me despite my drunken state.

20. I also met Yas Jayson there. The second time I met Yas was at Shangri-la. He was with Victor that time.

21. North Park is what I consider an epitome of fine dining.

22. Aside from reading books I love reading blogs too. I was even caught once in our office reading blogs. Sorry, couldn't resist.

23. I have also met Daredevilry at a party. He was with Jerron too and... ;)

24. Me and Anteros have also met several times when he was having a little conflict. He's a good guy.

25. Someone once asked me if I'm a good su**er and told me he'd pay me. I told him I'd su** him and pay me if he thinks I'm good and if I'm not, well then, it's in the house.

26. I think I keep holding on too much from memories.

27. I have three beanies. I love wearing 'em.

28. I once gave head in an exit in Greenbelt 5. Twice in a Bonifacio High Street comfort room.

29. One of my biggest frustrations in life is to have a six-pack abs. Grrr...

30. I bought a pair of rollerblades back in 2007 and have only used them thrice. Man, I thought it was easy to learn!

31. When I was a child I thought unicorns were true but have never believed in the existence of Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny.

32. I have never been religious nor spiritual that's why I want to learn how to be.

33. I'm still wondering why I get irritated if someone I barely know calls me gay. Hmmm...issue.

34. I pooped in my pants in elementary twice. That was disgusting. Hahahaha!

35. I have a lot of pet peeves from people peeing publicly, people spitting anywhere they want to, people who don't like to hand your fare to the jeepney driver and people who bump you and don't even apologize or excuse themselves.

36. I don't have s** unless both of us takes a bath. Most of the time.

37. I abhor sports. Am I that type of boy?! Okay some occasional swimming might be possible but basketball or other contact sports? Naaaaah...

38. I know I'm selfish.

39. The farthest I have gone to is in Cebu.

40. Two words: Four Some.

Nyahahahahahahaha!

The Intensity of Loving

2011-03-22T05:22:00.000-07:00

"Why did you still accept him after all that he has done. Isn't it enough for you to realize that what he did was wrong and worse, he might do it again." I asked my friend one day over the phone.

We were talking about his ex, the ex who made his heart bleed and cry. His ex who he knew had a very active alternative lifestyle. He was devastated, utterly devastated.

But he stayed.

"Because G, I love him." He replied with much sincerity and honesty.

I kept silent for nearly a minute.

I fathomed what he said.

I reasoned out with myself.

But still I could not understand at that time.

He cheated. Made a fool out of my friend. Slept with other guys. And my friend accepted him back.

Sometimes we find ourselves into predicaments we never would want to experience but when we do it's a life changing experience. It may not be the best that we had hoped for nor is it the most pleasurable we had to undertake but it did happen. That's all there is.

But love really is a wondrous albeit complicated feeling. No matter what the person did, no matter what his past holds of him, no matter what he went through. There will always be part of you that will be saying...

"Go on, it will be worth a try, again."

And now I finally understood why.

Of Permanence and Pertinence

2011-03-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Everything is temporary...

A friend told me this when we had a serious talk about loving, being loved, being unloved and everything else amongst the three.

And I sighed.

I would not argue. I refuse to.

But you see I grew up with books and movies about eternity and forever. I know it may not be much but I treasure the fact that I did think that forevers are true. They could be for all I know.

Then somehow it changed.

I changed.

Past lovers of mine had changed.

People around me changed.

When viewpoints and perspectives brought about by experiences happened, suddenly everything went blur from there.

At the back of my mind I was thinking if permanence is untrue then what are people looking for?

Long-lasting love?

But long-lasting is subjective.

And people, well people actually want to hear the words "I will love you forever" than "I will love you long".

And if everything is temporary, why bother pursuing?

Does that mean ever afters are non-existent?

Does that mean that when you finally find someone that you were searching for for years, he could still go away, or you could still go away?

Then that is heart-wrenching.

As for me, do I still believe in ever afters?

Well, I have to find Prince Charming first don't I?

That Question Of The Day

2011-03-12T21:54:00.000-08:00

"How's your day?"

I still long for the day to come when someone would ask me that.

After a long day at work either good or bad.

It wouldn't matter.

But for now, I still hope.

And that will do.

Public Indecency

2011-03-09T05:45:00.000-08:00

It was a long Saturday. And by that I meant I had work.

But I encountered something I would have never expected.

As I steadily grabbed a handrail inside the MRT, my mind drifted towards the metropolitan view. I was looking, staring outside the train's window. The cityscape still makes me awe at the wonders of men and their engineering prowess.

And then he came inside the coach where I was while the train was waiting for passengers going south bound.

I was still looking outside, still awed by the beauty that of the lights, the buildings, the view, the works while he, on the other hand, was looking at me across the glass.

Obviously he was near me, inches away, his scent I even recognized. Manly. Greedy. Hungry.

I went on with my life nonchalantly. He was still looking across the window, he looked across as if he just saw me, his arch-nemesis. Fury. Angry. Enraged.

And then when most people alighted off the train he did one thing that surprised me.

He pressed his crotch against my pants. Throbbing. Pulsating. Wanting.

I still acted the same, like nothing happened. But that wouldn't be fun.

And so I pressed myself closer to him.

His fury was replaced by a satisfying smile. And he got off at Shaw Blvd.

Malate 103

2011-03-05T20:23:00.000-08:00

Trilogies are for movies and books but this is the last part.

Have you tried the first ones?

Hahahahahahaha!

1. Fashionably early? Baby, you're not going to work.

2. Early booking is never advisable. Fresher meats come in by 2 or 3 am.

3. So you got booked. Now what? You tell your friends who came with you. Proper sex manners please.

4. Having someone tell you you're cute doesn't mean he wants ot get it on with you. Stop being delusional.

5. Learn how to ignore. Persistence is a b****, yes?

6. You're not the only pretty boy in the club.

7. Dance with care. Big boys especially.

8. Wearing shorts? It's a club not a sports gym.

9. With great crowds come great responsibilities. Stick to the right ones.

10. When a guy tells you he's single, you don't doubt. Everyone's single for the night.

11. Never turn your back on the guy you like. You might never know who wants him badly too.

12. Give. Give your number. There's a 50-50 chance he may or may not contact you at all.

13. And finally, once a Malate Boy, always a Malate Boy.

Let's dance, shall we?

:)

Malate 102

2011-02-27T07:45:00.000-08:00

Do you really think that was that?

Oh,but you have a lot more to learn young one.

1. The club ain't big for both you and your ex.

2. There's a fine line between being sleazy and being harrassed.

3. Stares are sacrilegious, sometimes.

4. Oh please, crotch teasing are for desperate ones.

5. And so is groping. Horny much?

6. Never ask a friend to 'accidentally' shove you to a guy next to you.

7. Pseudonyms are rampant. Get on with the program.

8. Bringing your partner? Might as well bring your whole family too.

9. You saw a guy you kissed kiss another guy? Sucks right? Never get even, get even more.

10. Pretty boys love playing hard to get. It is tedious but you know what they say, it'll be worth it.

11. Feeling slu***? Make sure you're the best slu* there is.

12. And yes, always look available even when unavailable.

Malate 101

2011-02-22T07:14:00.000-08:00

Malate is not without its culture.

Read and learn.

Newbie. :)

1. Dress your finest. Malate is the fashion capital of gay guys. Long-sleeved polo - best. Short-sleeved polo - good. Plain shirts- make sure you have an effin' rocking body.

2. Stare all you want inside the club premises. NEVER do it outside. Pretty boys need to behave too you know. ;)

3. Quick trading glances are flirtatious and are absolutely enticing for an hour. Move on if nothing is happening...

4. Oh please! Shouting outside is absolutely a no-no. Unless you wanna be called a market vendor.

5. Pointing to a guy you like inside and outside club premises is absolutely prohibited. Didn't your parents explain what manners are for?

6. You go alone when you feel like hooking up. You go with friends when you feel like you don't want to but essentially, go alone if you plan to have a one night stand.

7. Boys work hard, sex harder and party hardest. The last two are interchangeable.

8. Ledge is the ultimate place to get noticed BUT make sure if you don't have the body to flaunt, you have the face to do the flaunting.

9. If both are unapplicable, step down from the ledge and save yourself, man.

10. Random kisses inside are absolutely normal. So make sure you know how to do torrid and not just saliva transfers, okay?

11. Be booked before 4am. Seriously. Leftovers.

12. Pretty boys have the right to be snobs but never have the right to be mean and rude. Get it?

13. Maybe the guy you slept last week was your friend's take home dinner two weeks ago.

14. Malate boys are notoriously flirtatious. Play the game if you can handle it.

15. And lastly, Malate boys only have a seven day affinity.

Have fun and we will see each other soon...

Knowing

2011-02-21T05:41:00.000-08:00

A gay's instinct should never be underestimated.

Baffled but relieved.

And perplexed all at the same time.

Open secret, it is not, but you guys guessed it correctly.

Ah, I scratch my head once again.

:)

Reaches

2011-02-19T16:57:00.000-08:00

"Sorry...for everything."

You were at my back trying to mildly move the swing. I looked back at you, perplexed.

"About what?"

"For the things I have done. I am, truly sorry."

You were looking ahead, across the children playing, laughing and screaming.

"Everything's fine. Don't worry. We're cool."

And I told you that because I mean it.

I looked ahead across the children too, such a delight to behold.

You swung me slightly, enough for me to know that you're still at my back.

We were at a children's playground. I didn't know how we ended up there but it was the best place, I guess. It felt nostalgic. And I felt, at peace.

You apologized yet I was the one who need to be apologizing because I fell too early to even predict the outcome or maybe denial was just too strong to ignore.

It was never your fault that you rejected me.

Moments have passed and I'm still asking myself the same old questions.

But enough of that.

"What happened to us?"

You swung me faster, enough to let me know that there was an emotion accompanying the inquiry.

"We happened but nothing happened."

I looked back at you again and smiled.

"But for what it's worth, I really did try reconnecting with you."

You stopped the swing and smiled back at me, then looked ahead and saw the children merrily running around.

"I know."

And then I left you at the park without looking back, without turning around, without slowing my walk.

And woke up.

A dream had consumed.

Forgiveness. Frailty. Numbness.

And some takes a lifetime to forgive.

On Dates and Fates

2011-02-13T20:02:00.000-08:00

Spotted: G sitting near the skating rink while watching his date, or, should we say group date having the time of their lives.

Someone didn't do their research well.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. What now? And more importantly, where to now?

When every plan seems to be crumbling in front of your very eyes, what else does a boy got to do?

You turn to a walk of leisure and what do you see? Or, who do you see?

Isn't the world getting smaller?

A guy you locked lips in K's birthday party? And oh boy, he's eyeing on you like a vulture to a carcass. But you know rebound guys will always be rebound guys. He was there when you needed him and when he needed you too. And you end this little coincidence with a brisk walk out the store.

And you finally satisfy your carnal cravings to a discreet halt.

But look do we have here?

A blogger celebrating a pre-Valentine date with his beau?

And they do look happy together albeit no flower roses on their hands.

Jealous much?

Ah, G, don't be, you'll have your chance...

You'll have your chance.

But for now, au revoir date for the day.

The Time of The Year...

2011-02-11T06:54:00.000-08:00

They say love is in the air when February comes.

And it's this time of the year when couples are seen as couples.

And singles are just singles.

Well, where will you be this weekend, G?

I heard you wanted to join the speed dating on Saturday.

Desperate much?

You know you have other options.

You never lose options.

There are so much more men...so little time.

But when the going gets rough, you turn to your boys. Your outdated boys.

Life is a cycle, G, so should be your boys. Deal with it.

I remember you telling K months ago that you'll finally look for new ones.

It looks like it didn't work out as planned.

But you know yourself - you scheme.

And what better way to start than on a weekend.

Starting with an ex you haven't even dated yet...

Hijo

2011-02-09T21:22:00.000-08:00

First thing he did was to get a face towel from their China cabinet/mini closet. He wiped snot numbered one.

"Nathan...this is your first day in school. Be neat, be nice and share what you have."

"I'm a bit afraid, Dad." Nathan said while bowing his head.

"What are you afraid of? Come on! It will be fun! Trust me."

"They might bully me and get my baon and after that they might place me inside a garbage can and tell the teacher that I'm not going to school anymore." Nathan was getting nearly teary-eyed.

"You'll do fine. No one will get your baon. And for the record, if someone will ever do that to you, you know I'm here." He embraced him ever so tightly, ever so secure, ever so affectionate and ever so concern. He loves him dearly and he too, was starting to get teary-eyed. He was more afraid than his son actually.

Can you imagine? The first day of school and it's all upwards from here. Next thing Drake knows is that Nathan will be settling in with someone. Separation anxiety of a parent.

Drake gave out a long sigh.

After combing his son's still-thin hair and putting powder on his face, chest and back, he stood back and evaluated his styling er, grooming.

"You look adorable, baby!" He wasn't exaggerating. Or maybe he was.

"Dad!!! I'm not a baby anymore! And I told you to not call me that anymore, hmp." He pouted his lips.

"Sorry, sorry, dude." He apologized and brushed the excess powder from his child's nape and forehead.

Drake looked at the time and sprang with astonishment. He scooted his child towards the dining table and served him a very hearty breakfast. One fit for a king. Well, a preschooler king for now.

"I have to get myself ready for work too! Give me ten minutes, kiddo." He grabbed a bagel from the microwave and popped them in his mouth. Mmm...chewy. Another fail with that wretched appliance. Drake-0, microwave-3.

Within ten minutes he was able to dash upstairs, take a bath, groom his face, don his clothes, spray a little perfume, get his car keys and dash downstairs.

"Come on, come on. Let's go. You'll be late." He opened the door for them and proceeded to their porch.

Click. The door was locked and they were now heading towards the car in the garage.

A few walks and...

"Oh shoot! Nathan, we forgot your baon! No wonder I felt something missing. I'll get it inside the house and you go in the car."

"Oh Dad, you're getting more forgetful." Nathan said it with a smile.

Drake winked and dashed inside.

He panicked and opened cupboard after cupboard looking for a nutritious meal for his growing boy. He was nearly down to the last cupboard when at last, a small box of cereals. This would suffice. He thought to himself. He grabbed his son's newly bought lunch box with a sticker of a smiling cartoon character on it. Nathan loves this cartoon so much, he can't live a day without watching an episode of this. He forgot the name, after all, when you lived in the era of The Care Bears, He-man, She-ra and Dinosaucers, you're bound to forget other cartoons. Or he's just getting old. Or forgetful like what his son said.

Anyway, he grabbed the lunch box, made a mad dash towards the car, stuck the key and off they went.

The school wasn't far from their home. Ten minutes away if you start with opening the garage door and getting in the car. It's a small preschool run by nuns.

The car finally made a screech and not a minute too soon! The students were all lined up all dolled-up and groomed to their best. Not a candy or chocolate stain in sight. For now.

Nathan stepped out, cautiously and slowly. He felt nervous but excited at the same time. And finally, he went down completely from his car seat and started walking to the crowd of tykes and tots - yearning for education. The first step into maturity.

And his son was finally casted into the sea of children.

With a slight lump in Drake's throat, he meekly said to his growing son: "Make me proud."

Final Part

Of Question and Answer

2011-02-07T19:21:00.000-08:00

Why?

This has got to be the most asked and most frequent question used. And yet each and every time one asks 'why', it never ceases to pique one's interest.

It all started when we were growing up - being the inquisitive ignoramuses we were. Our parents, whom we mostly asked, would answer us to the best that they could.

But did you know that this question is very intrusive?

It is because it warrants an answer of truth.

Why are you here?

Why did you do that with him?

Why didn't you fight for his love?

Why are you blogging?

Why are you following this blogger?

Why did you unfollow?

Why do you bother going out with someone you know could not commit nor be exclusive?

Why do you have standards?

Why do you choose a trophy boyfriend?

You see the pattern? It always warrants a statement full of thought.

And so in questioning this, you get to know the person more albeit, in a personal/deeper manner but also yourself. If you would really want to discover yourself more and other people. Because sometimes we immediately act on impulse and we can't understand why. You see.

This question is also very accusing. It accuses you of acts done. Or not done but people still think otherwise.

Why did you break his heart?

Why are you asking me if I'm in love with your best friend?

Why did you sleep with another guy?

And admit it, one does not need an accusation of such. Benefit of the doubt as they say.

But who benefits from it, really?

For sometimes, reservations are of utmost discretion in order to protect either the interrogated or the interrogator.

But then again, why even bother trying to understand people who won't understand you?

Unequal

2011-02-04T05:09:00.000-08:00

"I love you." He whispered in my ear - softly.

His words drifted across the space between his lips and my ear. It was striking.

I smiled most affectionately while visioning his face. My lips parted and my mouth giving out air.

"I'm sorry." I told him the truth. I am not in love with him yet.

"That's okay, G. I will wait for your answer any time." He smiled faintly while trying to reach for my body lying on the bed.

He hugged me. I hugged him back.

It felt good but not great.

It was a moment but not the moment.

I kissed his lips, it was still warm and moist. He fought back with aggression and passion.

"I love you." He said it again with more emphasis than the last.

I smiled.

My answer unchanged.

Better be called insensitive than saying something I do not feel.

A Life Scare

2011-02-03T20:53:00.000-08:00

Status: Unconfirmed

Final Part